I'm pregnant. It's still hard to say those words, somehow it still feels like a dream or an abstract thought despite my budding belly. I mean really budding. I'm 20 weeks and have a little girl on board. I think part of the hesitation to saying those words is because I know all too well that pregnancy doesn't equal a living baby at the end. The other part was that I had a subchorionic hematoma in my system for 13 weeks that caused a lot of spotting and bleeding. At the beginning of my pregnancy, I was given 50/50 odds of miscarrying. And so, the thought of announcing a pregnancy was difficult. I haven't really announced it but if someone asks me, I tell them the truth.
It was hard to grieve while I was so worried about this little one. The hematoma and traces of it were gone by 17 weeks and all the testing has gone well. Despite worrying about a repeat performance of my pregnancy with Clara, the time to reflect and grieve opens up. But now, I think about my two girls and my family. If I allow myself to think about the best possible outcome, one thing remains, Clara will never be here on earth to share it with us. My innocence has been stolen from me and even in the good moments, it's bittersweet because I know something is missing. This little one has helped the healing process but she won't be able to hide the void of missing my other little girl.
It feels like a constant struggle between what is here right now, what can happen and the past. DH wants me to stay positive and send good vibes to this baby. But there are pockets in time, where the tears still flow. Loving this new baby and missing Clara is what is what I need to fit into my life right now. I just have to adjust.
