5 years

Half a decade gone and my heart still aches. Today marks 5 years since Clara was born, since I held her in my arms and then said goodbye. So much has changed in the passing years. Life is busy with her two younger siblings. We talk about Clara, their sister but its a challenge for the older one to understand the concept of what happened to her. Its through her and honoring her memory that I continue my work supporting bereaved parents.

The healing process was such a long journey for me and I accept that I will never be 100% without her. I live my life with some sense of normalcy and for the most part I am happy. I am grateful to be able to raise two beautiful, smart and courageous little girls. But there's day like today where my heart aches and I just miss my baby.

Happy Birthday Clara.
Mommy loves and misses you.

4 Years

4 Years. 

I see her as if she would have been 4 years old today. The things that we would be doing. The excitement of a birthday and the gifts that come along with it. I imagine the milestones that she would be hitting, like registration for kindergarten and then her first day of school in September. It's an endless game of wondering. Wondering what her favourite show might of been, her favourite colour, her favourite foods. The list is endless. 

This year, she has two little sisters. Life is busy. I still think about her every single day. Sometimes, it's not to the end of the day and for that I feel pangs of guilt. There's still guilt, wondering if I show her enough love or guilt that I don't visit her as often as I used to. Guilt that I use so much of my energy to parent her sisters and not enough time with her. 

I love her and miss her. I tell my other daughters about Clara. I'm not sure how much they understand. M sometimes asks, "Where did Clara go?". There will come a day where they will realize they have an older sister and that makes me sad. They might wonder what life would have been with the older sister with a host of other questions. Questions that I'm not ready to deal with yet. 

My life has changed so much in 4 years. I've found joy and happiness again, something that I never thought would happen 4 years ago. There's always going to be that part of me that grieves for her, misses her and loves her more than I could imagine.

Happy Birthday my little angel.

3 Years

Today marks 3 years since Clara was born. What would life be like with a 3 year old? I always wonder what she would have been like, who she took after, who she would resemble. This year has been different then the rest. This year, I have a busy toddler on my hands who is so fasinated by the world and has learned so much, developed so much. At times, these milestones and some of the moments I share with little M, make me reflect on the things that I'm missing out on with Clara. She will never be able to hug or kiss me or I will never get to see her get excited over the little things, like seeing a dog. I just miss her especially today.


 

In Memory of Clara

M is growing and developing so quickly. It's so amazing to see her transition to this happy, energetic and curious toddler. My whole life is devoted to raising this wonderful little girl. At times of reflection, sometimes I envision what life would be like with Clara and M. Other times, I feel so robbed of the same experiences with M that I should of had with Clara. There's also feelings of guilt, that I could do more for her whether it's visiting her at the garden more often or putting more effort on decorating her space.

My thoughts now are shifted on how to honour her memory. To use some of that effort that should of been expended on raising her towards something positive. I've recently signed up to volunteer at an organization that helps moms who are suffering from pregnancy or infant loss. I know it could be emotionally exhausting endevour but I feel good about using this as a vehicle to honour my daughter. I know in my own personal journey, it was immensely helpful just to know that I wasn't suffering alone in my grief, that someone understood exactly how it felt. I will find other ways to honour Clara but I thought this was a great place to start.

After Shocks

This post wast written months ago and I intended to finish it but never got around to it. I thought I would post it because the after shocks are still there.

If I had to use an analogy, Clara's death was a earthquake. It shook me to my core and has damaged parts of me that can never be repaired to its original state. Everything that happens afterwards, the after shocks, is a reminder of that big event. Or is it that event that influences how you feel in different situations in the future. M is coming through a nursing strike. In the very midst of it, I feared that something bad was going to happen, that she wanted to starve. That she was going to leave me too.

2 years

Tomorrow marks the 2 year mark since Clara left us. I've been dreading this day for the past month, everyday knowing that her birthday was inching closer. Each day wondering what it would be like to have a 2 year old Clara with her little sister. Knowing having her here with me, I would feel like I had it all. Living each day, knowing something just isn't quite right. Especially on a day that celebrates mothers. It felt strange this year to enter this day with M, so grateful for her but unable to fully enjoy it without Clara.

2 years. It seems so long ago yet not that far away. I can still picture clear as day, the face of my nurse as the OB was performing the ultrasound. The face that told me that my daughter had died before the words were spoken. The feeling that if I protested enough, somehow it could bring her back.  I try my best not to go back to this moment in time that scratch away at the scabs that have grown over my heart, threatening to expose the deepest flesh of my pain.

2 years is hard. Life has moved on. I have healed significantly. I have M to care for. M has brought happiness back to my life. It feels strange and I can't pinpoint why I feel this way. Perhaps a bit of guilt, feeling like I've left her behind.

I love and miss Clara dearly.

I had a new necklace made, each stone commemorates each of my daughters birth month. I will never forget the joy and love Clara brought into my life,

Clara's Little Sister

Clara's little sister Mikayla graced us with her presence 3 weeks early on December 8, 2013. I am so relieved that she is here safe and sound. Every night before bed, I tell her that mama loves her, dada loves her and her big sister loves her.

M has brought so much joy back into my life and I am grateful. At times, I do find it difficult as I should have had all the same experiences that I'm having with M with Clara. I used to sing hush little baby to Clara often. When I started to sing this lullaby to M, tears flowed steadily from my eyes. I also wonder what her personality would be like. M is taking extra long to get a hang of breastfeeding and I wonder how Clara would have done. Even now, amidst the business of having a new baby, she is on my mind often. I miss her everyday.