5 years

Half a decade gone and my heart still aches. Today marks 5 years since Clara was born, since I held her in my arms and then said goodbye. So much has changed in the passing years. Life is busy with her two younger siblings. We talk about Clara, their sister but its a challenge for the older one to understand the concept of what happened to her. Its through her and honoring her memory that I continue my work supporting bereaved parents.

The healing process was such a long journey for me and I accept that I will never be 100% without her. I live my life with some sense of normalcy and for the most part I am happy. I am grateful to be able to raise two beautiful, smart and courageous little girls. But there's day like today where my heart aches and I just miss my baby.

Happy Birthday Clara.
Mommy loves and misses you.

4 Years

4 Years. 

I see her as if she would have been 4 years old today. The things that we would be doing. The excitement of a birthday and the gifts that come along with it. I imagine the milestones that she would be hitting, like registration for kindergarten and then her first day of school in September. It's an endless game of wondering. Wondering what her favourite show might of been, her favourite colour, her favourite foods. The list is endless. 

This year, she has two little sisters. Life is busy. I still think about her every single day. Sometimes, it's not to the end of the day and for that I feel pangs of guilt. There's still guilt, wondering if I show her enough love or guilt that I don't visit her as often as I used to. Guilt that I use so much of my energy to parent her sisters and not enough time with her. 

I love her and miss her. I tell my other daughters about Clara. I'm not sure how much they understand. M sometimes asks, "Where did Clara go?". There will come a day where they will realize they have an older sister and that makes me sad. They might wonder what life would have been with the older sister with a host of other questions. Questions that I'm not ready to deal with yet. 

My life has changed so much in 4 years. I've found joy and happiness again, something that I never thought would happen 4 years ago. There's always going to be that part of me that grieves for her, misses her and loves her more than I could imagine.

Happy Birthday my little angel.

3 Years

Today marks 3 years since Clara was born. What would life be like with a 3 year old? I always wonder what she would have been like, who she took after, who she would resemble. This year has been different then the rest. This year, I have a busy toddler on my hands who is so fasinated by the world and has learned so much, developed so much. At times, these milestones and some of the moments I share with little M, make me reflect on the things that I'm missing out on with Clara. She will never be able to hug or kiss me or I will never get to see her get excited over the little things, like seeing a dog. I just miss her especially today.


 

In Memory of Clara

M is growing and developing so quickly. It's so amazing to see her transition to this happy, energetic and curious toddler. My whole life is devoted to raising this wonderful little girl. At times of reflection, sometimes I envision what life would be like with Clara and M. Other times, I feel so robbed of the same experiences with M that I should of had with Clara. There's also feelings of guilt, that I could do more for her whether it's visiting her at the garden more often or putting more effort on decorating her space.

My thoughts now are shifted on how to honour her memory. To use some of that effort that should of been expended on raising her towards something positive. I've recently signed up to volunteer at an organization that helps moms who are suffering from pregnancy or infant loss. I know it could be emotionally exhausting endevour but I feel good about using this as a vehicle to honour my daughter. I know in my own personal journey, it was immensely helpful just to know that I wasn't suffering alone in my grief, that someone understood exactly how it felt. I will find other ways to honour Clara but I thought this was a great place to start.

After Shocks

This post wast written months ago and I intended to finish it but never got around to it. I thought I would post it because the after shocks are still there.

If I had to use an analogy, Clara's death was a earthquake. It shook me to my core and has damaged parts of me that can never be repaired to its original state. Everything that happens afterwards, the after shocks, is a reminder of that big event. Or is it that event that influences how you feel in different situations in the future. M is coming through a nursing strike. In the very midst of it, I feared that something bad was going to happen, that she wanted to starve. That she was going to leave me too.

2 years

Tomorrow marks the 2 year mark since Clara left us. I've been dreading this day for the past month, everyday knowing that her birthday was inching closer. Each day wondering what it would be like to have a 2 year old Clara with her little sister. Knowing having her here with me, I would feel like I had it all. Living each day, knowing something just isn't quite right. Especially on a day that celebrates mothers. It felt strange this year to enter this day with M, so grateful for her but unable to fully enjoy it without Clara.

2 years. It seems so long ago yet not that far away. I can still picture clear as day, the face of my nurse as the OB was performing the ultrasound. The face that told me that my daughter had died before the words were spoken. The feeling that if I protested enough, somehow it could bring her back.  I try my best not to go back to this moment in time that scratch away at the scabs that have grown over my heart, threatening to expose the deepest flesh of my pain.

2 years is hard. Life has moved on. I have healed significantly. I have M to care for. M has brought happiness back to my life. It feels strange and I can't pinpoint why I feel this way. Perhaps a bit of guilt, feeling like I've left her behind.

I love and miss Clara dearly.

I had a new necklace made, each stone commemorates each of my daughters birth month. I will never forget the joy and love Clara brought into my life,

Clara's Little Sister

Clara's little sister Mikayla graced us with her presence 3 weeks early on December 8, 2013. I am so relieved that she is here safe and sound. Every night before bed, I tell her that mama loves her, dada loves her and her big sister loves her.

M has brought so much joy back into my life and I am grateful. At times, I do find it difficult as I should have had all the same experiences that I'm having with M with Clara. I used to sing hush little baby to Clara often. When I started to sing this lullaby to M, tears flowed steadily from my eyes. I also wonder what her personality would be like. M is taking extra long to get a hang of breastfeeding and I wonder how Clara would have done. Even now, amidst the business of having a new baby, she is on my mind often. I miss her everyday. 

Anxiety

Unfortunately that is how I would describe my life right now. Clara's little sister has made it to 28 weeks, surpassing the size of her big sister. Living through the last few weeks, feels like I'm reliving over and over again the experience of losing her. I know this is a different pregnancy and a different baby but I can't shake the feeling that the two will end with the same fate. I can't imagine that at the end of this, I get to bring home a baby.

So I relive those tragic days, up to the delivery of my precious first born with the expectation that something bad is going to happen to this little one. The past few weeks have been filled with anxiety attacks and quick runs to the L&D. My last trip was by far the worse, the nurse couldn't find the the heartbeat. So, she called a second nurse to help her. All we heard was my heartbeat thumping. Then in less than a minute, I was surrounded by the OB team and I was spiraling out of control and I could keep saying "this can't be happening again". Thankfully, the ultrasound showed baby's little fluttering heart and all is progressing well.

Clara's little sister is already over 700 g heavier than she was at birth. I don't know why I even try to compare. But at the end of it, I think it's so unfair that Clara's not here with me and her sister. I should have both my girls.

I knew a subsequent pregnancy wouldn't be easy but I had no idea it was going to be this hard. This grief is forever intertwined and deeply rooted within me. I'm thankful for everyday that I have with this little one, I just wish it could be easier. I wish I could be blissfully ignorant that bad things do happen but alas, I know they do. 

My Two Girls

I'm pregnant. It's still hard to say those words, somehow it still feels like a dream or an abstract thought despite my budding belly. I mean really budding. I'm 20 weeks and have a little girl on board. I think part of the hesitation to saying those words is because I know all too well that pregnancy doesn't equal a living baby at the end. The other part was that I had a subchorionic hematoma in my system for 13 weeks that caused a lot of spotting and bleeding. At the beginning of my pregnancy, I was given 50/50 odds of miscarrying. And so, the thought of announcing a pregnancy was difficult. I haven't really announced it but if someone asks me, I tell them the truth.

It was hard to grieve while I was so worried about this little one. The hematoma and traces of it were gone by 17 weeks and all the testing has gone well. Despite worrying about a repeat performance of my pregnancy with Clara, the time to reflect and grieve opens up. But now, I think about my two girls and my family. If I allow myself to think about the best possible outcome, one thing remains, Clara will never be here on earth to share it with us. My innocence has been stolen from me and even in the good moments, it's bittersweet because I know something is missing. This little one has helped the healing process but she won't be able to hide the void of missing my other little girl. 

It feels like a constant struggle between what is here right now, what can happen and the past. DH wants me to stay positive and send good vibes to this baby. But there are pockets in time, where the tears still flow. Loving this new baby and missing Clara is what is what I need to fit into my life right now. I just have to adjust.

My Clara Bear

This week, I received a package from Molly Bears - my custom teddy bear weighted to Clara's birth weight. As I held this teddy bear, all the memories of the day I got to spend with my daughter came flooding back. Like how how I held her close to me and how hubby fed me, so I didn't have to let go not even for a minute. No words can express how much this gift means to me. 

There's this one song that I've been hearing over and over again on the radio, Kiss Goodnight. Each time, it brings tears to my eyes and brings me back to May 18th. 

 

Clara's 1st Birthday

Dear Clara,
It's your first birthday and I wish more than anything that you were here with me. One year ago today, it was the best and worse day of my life. I got to meet my beautiful baby girl but in the same day I had to say good-bye. This past week, I was thinking a lot about were we would be if you could stay - our walks together, pushing you on the swing. I wondering what you would like like - if you would resemble your mommy or your daddy. It would have been the perfect life, I couldn't even imagine anything better.

I can still remember the day we got to spend together like it was yesterday. Those special moments we spent together replay over and over in my head. Your daddy and I hold on to them close to our hearts every day. He's sad too that you aren't with us today.

Daddy tells me I need to be strong today and I know I have to try. I just wanted you to know how much I love you and miss you.

Happy Birthday to my sweet little girl.

Mommy

Untitled

Lately, I haven't had the need to post here. It has been a place, an outlet for my feelings during especially difficult days, crying through each word that I typed. There were the really bad days, where I couldn't find a reason to get out of bed. Those days are lessening and have turned into days where the tears last a few minutes here and there.

I was reading a post from another BLM where she talked about her suicidal thoughts but in the end all she wanted was the pain to go away. In the early days, there seem to be no relief from the pain. It was a constant sharp pain that was felt acutely with every breath taken - only sleep would bring you temporary relief. Even then, according to my husband, I would have nightmares.

Ten months later, I can sit here and say the pain does change. You have to allow yourself to take time out and do the things you once enjoyed, to be distracted by the pain. You have to give yourself permission to find relief and to do so does not mean you loved your little one any less. I still feel pangs of guilt. I was singing to M.adonna's Holiday and when we got to the part "take sometime to celebrate" - I felt a pang of guilt even saying the word celebrate. How could I ever feel celebratory again let alone say the words in a silly song? I don't think anyone truly recovers from being a BLM, you simply survive it - somehow. Getting back to the pain, it does change over time. For me, it has become more dull and most times, bearable. I think it will always be there. My life will never be ok without Clara but all I can I do is push forward as best I can.

Stagnant

One of the hardest parts of a baby loss mama's journey is that there is no recipe book to recovery, it's a journey that is specific to the individual. Often times, I feel alone in my mourning even more so now that months have past and the brief memories are fading with my family and friends. I miss my little girl more with each day and these feelings are mine alone to endure. It's even more difficult, that my life is going back to the way it was before she was conceived - it just doesn't feel right.

I'm forced to be this 'stronger' person to push forward - to live each day as it comes.  There's the good days and the bad days. But every day I live with a gaping hole in my fragile heart and can never be filled. It's this fragile heart that I try protect very carefully from the outside world threatening to shatter it. I think I reached stagnation in my journey and I don't know if I can get any better then this and yet I know I have yet still a long road ahead of me. I don't know if I will ever be able to let my guard down and expose myself to the world of families with babes. I can't bare to see it and being constantly reminded of everything I have lossed. I don't know if I can let people in without expecting them to dissaappoint me or hurt me.

All I know is this life has given me more than anyone should have to bear and yet so many women are left enduring this tragic loss. It's shaken my being to the core and I am changed forever.

The Year of Firsts and 9 Months

This is a long weekend in Canada in recognition of Family Day. This time last year is when we we felt comfortable enough to share with the entire world our happy news - we were expecting a baby! I felt compelled to tell our news in a unique way and what better way was there then the fortune cookie.

There was so much hope and excitement for the future. Perhaps, it's better that we don't have crystal balls and I was able to relish every second that I was pregnant. All the love, excitement and care I was able to share with my daughter and my husband - my family.

The year of firsts. The first Halloween, Christmas, New Year, Chinese New Year, Valentines Day, Family Day, the endless list of firsts I won't have Clara here to celebrate with. Then there are the landmarks in time that pass, the moment we told our families, our first ultrasound, our anatomy scan and the soon to be anniversary/birthday. This past couple of weeks, some of the occasions where spaced to close together for me to digest easily.

All these emotions that have been hitting me had me feeling a little down. I'm starting to feel stronger but there are moments, hours or even entire days that catch me off guard. There was a day in particular where I felt so alone and I could grab the pain I felt during the early days. Then the phone rings. A friend who stepped up and has supported me through my entire loss. Her and her husband have been amazing and I am so grateful to have them in my life. And for the first time, I didn't feel like I was being punished by the universe. I still think the universe has a habit of throwing  at me, pregnant women, babies that would have been Clara's age and most recently a mother of 9.

So as hard as the year of firsts is and the 9 month mark is, I'm so grateful the loving and caring people in my life. I couldn't have made it this far without them.

Goodbye Year of the Dragon

Clara was born in the year of the dragon, the year according to the Chinese calendar is associated with good fortune. A year that ended yesterday. I hate the end of things - always. This past year, I've also added the dreaded feelings towards holidays and special occasions. They all have been markers of my firsts of many occasions without my daughter. So, even Chinese New Year is a challenge without her. As everyone prepares their red pocket money - I know Clara isn't apart of their preparation. As each of these events go, the most important person to me goes unrecognized. It's the pain in my heart that reminds me she was here and she is most certainly loved and missed.

So ends the year of the dragon. Hopefully, the year of the snake brings me the happiness I know I deserve.

Be Careful What You Ask For

Last time I posted I was in really rough shape, thank you for the messages of concern - I know I will be fine. It's just gets really hard sometimes as you can understand.

So I asked for a glimmer or a speckle of hope and did I get it. It looks like I'm experiencing a chemical pregnancy - meaning my little bean is trying to implant but did quite make it. I'm taking it hard. Not to belittle anyone who is experencing the same thing because it is the loss of hope for a great future - but it's easier than when Clara died. At the end of all of this, I could sum it up that little bean was probably chromosomally abnormal. With Clara, she was perfectly healthy - I was able to see her, feel her and watch my belly grow. It's just when I'm upset - it all gets piled on top of the existing grief. There's no situation in my life where being upset that doesn't get piled on top of my grief.

My next wish is to hold my living breathing, healthy and happy baby in my arms and to be able to watch him/her grow until my time is up. I don't think the universe can misconstrue that request. 

8 months

I'm still waiting for the part where people tell me it gets easier. I'm not going to lie, 8 months and its still hard as hell. I still miss her more than I ever could have imagined.

Before loss, I never understood why people committed suicide - I was naive and I thought you could just deal with what ever life threw your way. Don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal. But I can now understand how so much pain could really push you over the edge. It may seem like the only way out - the only source of relief. How no matter how hard you try, lady luck just doesn't look your way. Life just sucks for some people and I just have to accept that I'm apart of that group with sucky lives. I just wish I could see some light - just an ounce, a glimmer.

Relief and Thoughts

It's still hard and I don't think it will ever be easy - but thank goodness December is gone! I look back at the past month and the tears were flowing easily and frequently. In the thick of it, I thought that is what my life would be like on a daily basis. Now that the month has past, I am finding relief. The load on my heart has lifted a little and I can function again. I feel almost human.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the people who have disappointed me through this journey. The people that I've supported through their own time of personal strife, the people who I thought loved me or the people who should have loved Clara the most. These people should have been there for me or at the time, for Clara but weren't. It just plain hurts and that's compiled on top of the pain of losing my daughter. There's no apologies, no communication, no love. At this point, I still don't know how to let go of the anger and the disappointment. I know I should for my own personal well being.

In the past, when I've had relationships that weren't working or healthy - I would let these people go and sever all ties with them. It took me many years to realize that was what was best for me and I don't have any regret in doing so - the only regret I have is enduring those relationships as long as I did. This time it's not so easy when these people are embedded in your life in a way you cannot sever completely. How do I move forward? I don't have all the answers but I accept that I don't have to figure it our right now. 

This song is very touching - from the viewpoint of a daughter. Although, I won't see Clara grow up, the feelings resonate with me and reminds me I am a mom.

Mamma, I'll beI'll be your beacon through the darkest nightsI'll be the wings that guide your broken flightI'll be your shelter through the raging stormAnd I will love you 'till forever comes

Made it Through

I knew that it was coming. I knew it would be one of the toughest days of my life. My first Christmas without Clara. I had to fight through all the difficult moments throughout the month but I made it through. I can't say I'm a stronger person because of it but I survived and I'm still standing. And boy am I glad its over.

It might have been a bit cowardly but I avoided the majority Christmas parties I was invited to except 3. The first one was for my project team - they work so hard despite the project being a huge resistance type project. They deserved every opportunity to be appreciated and so I sucked it up, organized a team celebration and attended it. It was a great success except for what I had to endure. Someone talking about their daughter's pregnancy and how their son-in-law could now feel the kicks. I tried to hold back the tears but I couldn't - I remembered that time in my own pregnancy and the tears started rolling. The second party was for my husband's work - luckily I survived that one and without tears.

The last party was my family get together on Christmas Day. It started off being a difficult day - I've been thinking a lot about what it would be like right now if Clara had lived and how everything isn't what it should be. We went to the cemetery to wish Clara a Merry Christmas and headed over to my Mom's. No one acknowledged my daughter, it was tough - but who wants to be sad on Christmas day?  What a roller coaster of emotions.

I think there should be a mandatory book for people who know a baby loss mom. The insensitivity I've faced the past several months have been horrible - each episode impacting me for hours afterwards. People need to understand our pain and acknowledge our babies exist. In this past month, only 2 people outside the BML club acknowledged my pain during this month. Again there are tears but I am so grateful that they did -  it really does help.