Mourning

Mourning. It's a life long journey. It has many faces and you will never know ahead of time which one you will encounter on a given day, given hour or even a given minute. The multitude of combinations of human emotion that you may feel and the varying length of those emotions are unknown. Sometimes, it creeps in and you know it's coming and at other times it just hits you from out of no where. The underlying theme, as much as I say it, is that missing piece of your heart that you may never recover.

This blog is a place I come to when I'm feeling overwhelmed by my emotions and is a mish mash of my thoughts and feelings. It also somehow it makes me feel closer to Clara. I know I still grieve a lot but some good moments are starting to come slowly. I know my jouney is longer than some others but I'm ok with that. There is no set timeline and everyone is different. I just wish everyone else knew that. Judgement of others comes so easily and it's not until you are placed in a similar situation that one will truly understand. Mourning is a journey that has no end.

I'm forever grateful to other baby loss mamas that have blogged about their jouney to healing, it gave me great comfort in the darkest hours of my life. It made me feel less alone in my own journey.  The forums have been helpful in which other baby loss moms have taken the time to comfort me in my weakest moments and in my plea for help. There are some family and friends that have been my sounding board when I feel devastated, hopeless and defeated. Today, I ordered my Molly Bear which will be made to Clara's birth weight. There has been so many outlets for my grief and I'm grateful. These resources will continue to be there as I need them in my journey but I am hopeful that they will no longer be my crutch in life. That somehow I will be able to stand on my own two feet. 


Now, it`s time to figure out who the ``new`` me is and figure a new ``normal`` to my life. It`s a hard road ahead, sometimes I walk this world feeling like I`m in this dream world and nothing is real. I need to readjust and try to determine what is important to me, the things that make me want to live again. I realize I haven`t lived since Clara died. There`s glimmers of life but I haven`t been living. I have to learn to let go of all the guilt and integrate Clara into my life in a meaningful way. A new way of mourning and loving her. I need to try to focus  on the love that we share and relish in the joy she brought to me in her short life instead of drowning in the sadness of her death. As many have said it, this will come in time.

Daddy Misses You Too

Dear Clara,

Daddy was thinking of you today. He read my blog and was looking through pictures of our family trip to New York City. I saw Daddy crying because he misses you so very much. It hurts him so much that he needs distractions from his pain. Can you imagine, your daddy loves you that much that it tears him up inside to think of what he's lost. And Daddy isn't very emotional to begin with.

Our trip to NYC with you was such a blessing - it was intended to be our baby moon. I'm so glad we had the opportunity to take you there. We even bought you your first onsie on this trip, it said "daddy's little princess". Your daddy was so proud of you. Daddy had so many plans for you himself. He wanted to show you his model airplanes and teach you geeky mathematical things. Everyday, Daddy and I debated who you would love more but I know you love each of us unconditionally.

Well, I just wanted to let you know daddy loves and misses you too!

Love, Mommy and Daddy

Missing You

Dear Clara,
Mommy is missing you so much right now. There is a constant ache in my heart. My life doesn't feel right without you in it. My life doesn't seem real. Clara, I think about you all the time. Sometimes, out of no where a wave of extreme sadness overcomes me and I don't think I can survive without you. Mommy loves you so much and was eagerly waiting to spend time with you. I wish with all my heart that things could have been different for us.

I guess I just want to remind you how special you are and how proud I am of you. You will always be my beautiful baby girl.

Love, Mommy

Time

Clara should be here. Every step I take on this journey of grief is always taken with Clara should be here. But she's not. It's such a wonderment how the human brain allows a person to move forward after a piece of their soul is missing. Time allows a person to adjust and integrate the pain into just a memory. The depth of my grieving is changing and transforming slowly but I can feel the change over larger periods of time. It scares me immensely to let my mind wander away from the pain, the pain that ties me for now and to the meaning of loving Clara. I love my daughter no matter what but I feel the grief is the only thing I have left of her and to lose that connection - I can't even imagine. It's terrifying.

I'm grateful that I have given myself all this time to grieve heavily. I know it will be a lifelong journey that I have no choice but to accept.  I also know that the pain will ease over time.  It will scab over but I will be able to pick at the pieces to reach the feelings of my loss. My life has changed, I feel it will every step I take. The person who was is no longer here. I'm now a mother that has to live without her child. The person that has to move forward despite the loss.  I still have to live while my daughter wasn't given that opportunity. Time is passing and I can't stop it no matter how much I try. I can't live on an abandoned island to avoid the triggers that remind me of what I've lost. I have to eventually reintegrate to my old life - live it as before she ever existed. I hate time and I hate my brain for allowing me to go forward. It feels like denying to the world she ever existed. Yet I know it's what will inevitably life will return to the same daily routines. 

If she was here, I wouldn't have to be here documenting my journey. I would be happy and enjoying her. 

What I Want, I Can't Have

Before I was pregnant with Clara, people including my husband were at a loss as what to get me for Christmas and Birthdays. The truth is I'm not a person that wanted for too much. I like doing things, swimming, running, cycling, hiking and travelling. I'm not a fashionista and according to my family I'm more of a tomboy. My husband and I wanted to enjoy our lives before starting our family in addition to establishing our careers (in restropect it seems trivial now that really all that I want is a family more than any of those things). We were active, participating in triathlons, camping and lots of hiking. We travelled to far off places like Peru, Malaysia, Thailand, Syria, Jordan, Panama. We felt happy and accomplished.

The next thing we wanted to do was to start a family. It seems so easy for so many people, right? I mean I come from a family with seven girls. I was naive. My innocence has been taken away in so many facets that I've never dreamed possible. I mean I was so great at planning every aspect of my life, why would family planning be any different. It was a struggle to get pregnant mixed in with many tears cycle after cycle. Then, a miracle. My precious daughter. All my dreams were coming true. Then, it got taken away just like that by what everyone is calling a fluke accident. I have spent so many hours contemplating what combination of events would cause my daughter to be so active. One theory is that the "accident" is caused by fetal hyperactivity. As much research I do, I'll never have the answers I need. It sucks and even if it was detected, there's no medical intervention that could have untwisted her umbilical cord.

Now there is only thing I want in this world that I can't have. I want more than anything to have my daughter back and to be able to snuggle her. I want to mother her as a living baby. But above all, I wanted her to experience all the great things this world has to offer, what Scott and I could offer her. She deserved everything and got nothing. She was innocent in all of this. I would sacrifice anything to have her back but that's not how it works. My therapist is starting to get tough by reiterating that fact she's not coming back. Of course, I cry but I know she wants to move me towards acceptance. Everything about baby loss sucks.

Hell in Repetition

Every morning is the same. I wake up and something is different, something is missing. As I leave the fog of dreamland, it all comes back to me - my daughter is gone. The ache in my heart  becomes noticeable again and I feel each broken piece with such acute pain. I feel like I'm suffocating and I begin each day crying for her. I reach out to my baby lost mama internet community looking for comfort. I think I do this to distract me from the acuity of my own feelings but Clara is always there. After awhile, I always allow myself to go to the "dark place" and I let myself cry. I cry for her, I cry for myself and I cry for the future I wanted to have with her. After the storm, I'm able to get back to the distractions and sometimes before the day is over, I will find the dark place again.

The other night, I had a dream and I felt my daughter's presence - it felt so real. I wanted to stay in that dream forever. I'm not sure if she was physically in the dream but I remember feeling her and feeling peace and happiness. So each night, I look forward to sleep so that I might have that chance to dream of Clara. 

Then when I awake, I live the same as I did the day before.

2 Months

Dear Clara,
I can't believe how time is passing by so fast. It's been two months since you were born. The day daddy and I got to meet your sweet little face and hold you in our arms. Mommy is so sad that you couldn't stay with us but I will always carry you in my heart. You will always be loved and you will be forever missed.

I think about you all the time and I must admit that I feel lonely without your company. I always felt so special getting to spend all my time with you and knowing that you were growing stronger each day. I loved that I was able to talk to you whenever I wanted and that I know that you felt the love that I had for you.  I miss rubbing my belly and hoping that you could feel me. I was so proud to walk around this world with you in it. I felt complete.

You are the only one that knows what mommy's heart sounds like day in and out. It feels like in a way you stole part of my heart when you left me. I'm glad you have that part of me and I want you to hold on to it. I will live the rest of my life with that piece missing but it will remind me of you and I will look to the time we had together with much fondness. I'm glad you were a part of my life and all the happiness that you brought into my life. As your daddy and I used to sing to you "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine".

I guess today, I just wanted to let you know how special you are to me and hope that you can feel my love.

Your Mommy