Lilypie - Memorial

Saturday, 10 November 2012

When Will it Get Better?

Life is a series of highs and lows. When you are down in the low, it feels like life can't get better from here. There is only one thing that could make me feel better and that would be my daughter. But Clara isn't here. Why can't my luck turnaround and bring me a little light with a sprinkle of hope. But alas, here I am today down in the dumps with no sign of lifting. How my life would be so different playing with my newborn? I wouldn't ever have to feel this way - I would be the happiest person in this world. I wouldn't be going to a stressful job but I would be up in my elbows with baby throw up and poop.  I wouldn't be getting my 8 hours of sleep nor would I be sitting on my couch crying while writing this post. This has me wondering when will life ever get better? How long can I suffer like this? Will I ever run out of tears - it certainly feels like I should have by now.

We talked about karma a little at work and how people thought it did exist. I added my two cents "if karma existed, I must have done something really awful in my life". What could I have done in my past life to deserve the experiencing the loss of Clara. At the end of the day, no matter what anyone has done, no one deserves the excruciating pain of the loss of a loved one.

I'm really trying to move on with my life, never forgetting her. I function at work and at home but there are days just like today where it feels like nothing will ever work out for me. I've used up all the good luck in live I'm ever going to have. 

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