This song is very touching - from the viewpoint of a daughter. Although, I won't see Clara grow up, the feelings resonate with me and reminds me I am a mom.

Mamma, I'll beI'll be your beacon through the darkest nightsI'll be the wings that guide your broken flightI'll be your shelter through the raging stormAnd I will love you 'till forever comes

Made it Through

I knew that it was coming. I knew it would be one of the toughest days of my life. My first Christmas without Clara. I had to fight through all the difficult moments throughout the month but I made it through. I can't say I'm a stronger person because of it but I survived and I'm still standing. And boy am I glad its over.

It might have been a bit cowardly but I avoided the majority Christmas parties I was invited to except 3. The first one was for my project team - they work so hard despite the project being a huge resistance type project. They deserved every opportunity to be appreciated and so I sucked it up, organized a team celebration and attended it. It was a great success except for what I had to endure. Someone talking about their daughter's pregnancy and how their son-in-law could now feel the kicks. I tried to hold back the tears but I couldn't - I remembered that time in my own pregnancy and the tears started rolling. The second party was for my husband's work - luckily I survived that one and without tears.

The last party was my family get together on Christmas Day. It started off being a difficult day - I've been thinking a lot about what it would be like right now if Clara had lived and how everything isn't what it should be. We went to the cemetery to wish Clara a Merry Christmas and headed over to my Mom's. No one acknowledged my daughter, it was tough - but who wants to be sad on Christmas day?  What a roller coaster of emotions.

I think there should be a mandatory book for people who know a baby loss mom. The insensitivity I've faced the past several months have been horrible - each episode impacting me for hours afterwards. People need to understand our pain and acknowledge our babies exist. In this past month, only 2 people outside the BML club acknowledged my pain during this month. Again there are tears but I am so grateful that they did -  it really does help.

7 months

The months are starting to roll by so quickly and I start to wonder where they have gone. It's been seven months now and I feel like I've just scratched the surface of mourning. The past couple of months, I've thrown myself into my work and have worked harder than I've ever worked in my life. A minimum of 10 hour days with a side of working at home on the weekends. Granted I've been given a lot more work than I can chew but in a way it keeps me from reflecting. The reflection piece is hard. I reflect a lot in the car, driving to and from work. I reflect while I'm walking at work to meetings. I reflect in moments when I'm alone without prefilled time with exercise, tv or cooking. My mind always goes back to Clara - what I've lost and all that I'm missing. It just plain hurts.

You can't go any where without seeing a baby or being reminded of all things baby. Like today, in the pool was a mom and tots class - that should have been me. It's still a wave of ups and downs - my latest down is the news. A pang of jealously hits me with all the pregnancy news. Then there are the stories of loss and it pains me to know that there are parents experiencing the excruciating pain of their child's death.

It's been 7 months and I still miss her like crazy every day - the pain is still there but over time in morphs in different shapes and forms. 

The December Blahs

The holiday season used to mean so much to me - a time to celebrate with family and friends following the same old traditions. As soon as I owned my own house, it would mean the start of my yearly runs to the nursery to buy my fresh tree - I even wanted to have the smell of Christmas. This is a completely different year. I remember I was shopping for baby items several months ago and on the sale rack was a christmas bib with "my first christmas on it". I remember reflecting forward to Christmas and how great it was going to be to celebrate it with Clara. I even imagined her in her cute little dress. Little did I know, I would be sitting here without her and very much not into the holiday season.

There's no Christmas tree, no decorations, no holiday parties, no hint of Chrismas in the air at my house this year. I don't want to acknowledge the plain fact that I have to live through my first holiday season without my daughter. Just the thought of the day scares me.

I used to love gifts, the anticipation of the surpise that was under the wrapping. Today, I only want one thing that I can't have.

Being a baby loss mom changes you more than any one can understand.

Pain

Pain. It's something someone can experience emotionally and/or physically. I sit here and I think I never really knew what pain was until Clara's death. I think of the countless combinations and permutations of pain that I rather endure then the one that I'm suffering in right now. I never thought something could hurt so deeply and for so long. So many people tell me that the pain will lessen over time but I can still reach the same pain I felt 6 months ago. The only thing that I have managed to do is find different and maybe better ways to cope over the months.

I miss my daughter everyday and that's the pain I will have to bear for the rest of my life.