Thursday, 27 December 2012

Made it Through

I knew that it was coming. I knew it would be one of the toughest days of my life. My first Christmas without Clara. I had to fight through all the difficult moments throughout the month but I made it through. I can't say I'm a stronger person because of it but I survived and I'm still standing. And boy am I glad its over.

It might have been a bit cowardly but I avoided the majority Christmas parties I was invited to except 3. The first one was for my project team - they work so hard despite the project being a huge resistance type project. They deserved every opportunity to be appreciated and so I sucked it up, organized a team celebration and attended it. It was a great success except for what I had to endure. Someone talking about their daughter's pregnancy and how their son-in-law could now feel the kicks. I tried to hold back the tears but I couldn't - I remembered that time in my own pregnancy and the tears started rolling. The second party was for my husband's work - luckily I survived that one and without tears.

The last party was my family get together on Christmas Day. It started off being a difficult day - I've been thinking a lot about what it would be like right now if Clara had lived and how everything isn't what it should be. We went to the cemetery to wish Clara a Merry Christmas and headed over to my Mom's. No one acknowledged my daughter, it was tough - but who wants to be sad on Christmas day?  What a roller coaster of emotions.

I think there should be a mandatory book for people who know a baby loss mom. The insensitivity I've faced the past several months have been horrible - each episode impacting me for hours afterwards. People need to understand our pain and acknowledge our babies exist. In this past month, only 2 people outside the BML club acknowledged my pain during this month. Again there are tears but I am so grateful that they did -  it really does help.

1 comment:

  1. Nothing is what it should be, and never will be again. I'm sure next Christmas no one else will even remember my daughter. It's unbearable.