Be Careful What You Ask For

Last time I posted I was in really rough shape, thank you for the messages of concern - I know I will be fine. It's just gets really hard sometimes as you can understand.

So I asked for a glimmer or a speckle of hope and did I get it. It looks like I'm experiencing a chemical pregnancy - meaning my little bean is trying to implant but did quite make it. I'm taking it hard. Not to belittle anyone who is experencing the same thing because it is the loss of hope for a great future - but it's easier than when Clara died. At the end of all of this, I could sum it up that little bean was probably chromosomally abnormal. With Clara, she was perfectly healthy - I was able to see her, feel her and watch my belly grow. It's just when I'm upset - it all gets piled on top of the existing grief. There's no situation in my life where being upset that doesn't get piled on top of my grief.

My next wish is to hold my living breathing, healthy and happy baby in my arms and to be able to watch him/her grow until my time is up. I don't think the universe can misconstrue that request. 

8 months

I'm still waiting for the part where people tell me it gets easier. I'm not going to lie, 8 months and its still hard as hell. I still miss her more than I ever could have imagined.

Before loss, I never understood why people committed suicide - I was naive and I thought you could just deal with what ever life threw your way. Don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal. But I can now understand how so much pain could really push you over the edge. It may seem like the only way out - the only source of relief. How no matter how hard you try, lady luck just doesn't look your way. Life just sucks for some people and I just have to accept that I'm apart of that group with sucky lives. I just wish I could see some light - just an ounce, a glimmer.

Relief and Thoughts

It's still hard and I don't think it will ever be easy - but thank goodness December is gone! I look back at the past month and the tears were flowing easily and frequently. In the thick of it, I thought that is what my life would be like on a daily basis. Now that the month has past, I am finding relief. The load on my heart has lifted a little and I can function again. I feel almost human.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the people who have disappointed me through this journey. The people that I've supported through their own time of personal strife, the people who I thought loved me or the people who should have loved Clara the most. These people should have been there for me or at the time, for Clara but weren't. It just plain hurts and that's compiled on top of the pain of losing my daughter. There's no apologies, no communication, no love. At this point, I still don't know how to let go of the anger and the disappointment. I know I should for my own personal well being.

In the past, when I've had relationships that weren't working or healthy - I would let these people go and sever all ties with them. It took me many years to realize that was what was best for me and I don't have any regret in doing so - the only regret I have is enduring those relationships as long as I did. This time it's not so easy when these people are embedded in your life in a way you cannot sever completely. How do I move forward? I don't have all the answers but I accept that I don't have to figure it our right now.