Wednesday, 23 January 2013

Be Careful What You Ask For

Last time I posted I was in really rough shape, thank you for the messages of concern - I know I will be fine. It's just gets really hard sometimes as you can understand.

So I asked for a glimmer or a speckle of hope and did I get it. It looks like I'm experiencing a chemical pregnancy - meaning my little bean is trying to implant but did quite make it. I'm taking it hard. Not to belittle anyone who is experencing the same thing because it is the loss of hope for a great future - but it's easier than when Clara died. At the end of all of this, I could sum it up that little bean was probably chromosomally abnormal. With Clara, she was perfectly healthy - I was able to see her, feel her and watch my belly grow. It's just when I'm upset - it all gets piled on top of the existing grief. There's no situation in my life where being upset that doesn't get piled on top of my grief.

My next wish is to hold my living breathing, healthy and happy baby in my arms and to be able to watch him/her grow until my time is up. I don't think the universe can misconstrue that request. 

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