Lilypie - Memorial

Sunday, 3 March 2013

Stagnant

One of the hardest parts of a baby loss mama's journey is that there is no recipe book to recovery, it's a journey that is specific to the individual. Often times, I feel alone in my mourning even more so now that months have past and the brief memories are fading with my family and friends. I miss my little girl more with each day and these feelings are mine alone to endure. It's even more difficult, that my life is going back to the way it was before she was conceived - it just doesn't feel right.

I'm forced to be this 'stronger' person to push forward - to live each day as it comes.  There's the good days and the bad days. But every day I live with a gaping hole in my fragile heart and can never be filled. It's this fragile heart that I try protect very carefully from the outside world threatening to shatter it. I think I reached stagnation in my journey and I don't know if I can get any better then this and yet I know I have yet still a long road ahead of me. I don't know if I will ever be able to let my guard down and expose myself to the world of families with babes. I can't bare to see it and being constantly reminded of everything I have lossed. I don't know if I can let people in without expecting them to dissaappoint me or hurt me.

All I know is this life has given me more than anyone should have to bear and yet so many women are left enduring this tragic loss. It's shaken my being to the core and I am changed forever.

1 comment:

  1. I think part of feeling "stagnant" is just that you can't change the pain. We'll always have this pain... we'll never "recover", we'll never forget. Healing, what does that even mean? We're just getting through every day, with a big hole in our hearts but just getting through all the same.

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