Lately, I haven't had the need to post here. It has been a place, an outlet for my feelings during especially difficult days, crying through each word that I typed. There were the really bad days, where I couldn't find a reason to get out of bed. Those days are lessening and have turned into days where the tears last a few minutes here and there.
I was reading a post from another BLM where she talked about her suicidal thoughts but in the end all she wanted was the pain to go away. In the early days, there seem to be no relief from the pain. It was a constant sharp pain that was felt acutely with every breath taken - only sleep would bring you temporary relief. Even then, according to my husband, I would have nightmares.
Ten months later, I can sit here and say the pain does change. You have to allow yourself to take time out and do the things you once enjoyed, to be distracted by the pain. You have to give yourself permission to find relief and to do so does not mean you loved your little one any less. I still feel pangs of guilt. I was singing to M.adonna's Holiday and when we got to the part "take sometime to celebrate" - I felt a pang of guilt even saying the word celebrate. How could I ever feel celebratory again let alone say the words in a silly song? I don't think anyone truly recovers from being a BLM, you simply survive it - somehow. Getting back to the pain, it does change over time. For me, it has become more dull and most times, bearable. I think it will always be there. My life will never be ok without Clara but all I can I do is push forward as best I can.
I was reading a post from another BLM where she talked about her suicidal thoughts but in the end all she wanted was the pain to go away. In the early days, there seem to be no relief from the pain. It was a constant sharp pain that was felt acutely with every breath taken - only sleep would bring you temporary relief. Even then, according to my husband, I would have nightmares.
Ten months later, I can sit here and say the pain does change. You have to allow yourself to take time out and do the things you once enjoyed, to be distracted by the pain. You have to give yourself permission to find relief and to do so does not mean you loved your little one any less. I still feel pangs of guilt. I was singing to M.adonna's Holiday and when we got to the part "take sometime to celebrate" - I felt a pang of guilt even saying the word celebrate. How could I ever feel celebratory again let alone say the words in a silly song? I don't think anyone truly recovers from being a BLM, you simply survive it - somehow. Getting back to the pain, it does change over time. For me, it has become more dull and most times, bearable. I think it will always be there. My life will never be ok without Clara but all I can I do is push forward as best I can.
No it is never the same, but the pain gets less, the tears come less often, but the bone deep missing never stops. Missing Clara with you.
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