Wednesday, 18 May 2016

4 Years

4 Years. 

I see her as if she would have been 4 years old today. The things that we would be doing. The excitement of a birthday and the gifts that come along with it. I imagine the milestones that she would be hitting, like registration for kindergarten and then her first day of school in September. It's an endless game of wondering. Wondering what her favourite show might of been, her favourite colour, her favourite foods. The list is endless. 

This year, she has two little sisters. Life is busy. I still think about her every single day. Sometimes, it's not to the end of the day and for that I feel pangs of guilt. There's still guilt, wondering if I show her enough love or guilt that I don't visit her as often as I used to. Guilt that I use so much of my energy to parent her sisters and not enough time with her. 

I love her and miss her. I tell my other daughters about Clara. I'm not sure how much they understand. M sometimes asks, "Where did Clara go?". There will come a day where they will realize they have an older sister and that makes me sad. They might wonder what life would have been with the older sister with a host of other questions. Questions that I'm not ready to deal with yet. 

My life has changed so much in 4 years. I've found joy and happiness again, something that I never thought would happen 4 years ago. There's always going to be that part of me that grieves for her, misses her and loves her more than I could imagine.

Happy Birthday my little angel.

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