The December Blahs

The holiday season used to mean so much to me - a time to celebrate with family and friends following the same old traditions. As soon as I owned my own house, it would mean the start of my yearly runs to the nursery to buy my fresh tree - I even wanted to have the smell of Christmas. This is a completely different year. I remember I was shopping for baby items several months ago and on the sale rack was a christmas bib with "my first christmas on it". I remember reflecting forward to Christmas and how great it was going to be to celebrate it with Clara. I even imagined her in her cute little dress. Little did I know, I would be sitting here without her and very much not into the holiday season.

There's no Christmas tree, no decorations, no holiday parties, no hint of Chrismas in the air at my house this year. I don't want to acknowledge the plain fact that I have to live through my first holiday season without my daughter. Just the thought of the day scares me.

I used to love gifts, the anticipation of the surpise that was under the wrapping. Today, I only want one thing that I can't have.

Being a baby loss mom changes you more than any one can understand.

Pain

Pain. It's something someone can experience emotionally and/or physically. I sit here and I think I never really knew what pain was until Clara's death. I think of the countless combinations and permutations of pain that I rather endure then the one that I'm suffering in right now. I never thought something could hurt so deeply and for so long. So many people tell me that the pain will lessen over time but I can still reach the same pain I felt 6 months ago. The only thing that I have managed to do is find different and maybe better ways to cope over the months.

I miss my daughter everyday and that's the pain I will have to bear for the rest of my life.

Forever

"The only thing that lives forever is love" 
- Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

It's been a rough few days. This cycle last year was the one where I would become pregnant with Clara. She's always on my mind but more so as I past each milestone. If things would have worked out, I would have a 3 month infant in my arms. I would be in a very different place.

Lately, I'm allowing myself to open up at work and and being able to tell more people about my loss. One of those people got me a gift, a book geared towards loss. It was so nice to have someone acknowledge my daughter and recognize my sadness - in means so much when everyone else stays silent. It really saddens me when everyone else has swept my loss under the proverbial rug but the suffering doesn't end.

In the book was the above quote about love being forever. It had me thinking that in a way Clara is alive in my heart, in the love I have for her. It sounds silly but I do feel like in some way she is with me. We are bonded together forever by love. She came and went from this world to quickly but the love still remains - for that I'm grateful.

6 months

Today marks Clara's 6 month birthday. 6 months since I held her in my arms. 6 months since she's been gone. 6 months was the amount of time I was lucky enough to have her in my life.

Mommy loves you baby girl!

The Post About Hubby

Everyone knows that there is no such thing as the absolute perfect marriage. Each individual has his or her own quirks that drives the other crazy. At the end of the day, what makes a marriage tick is the support you can provide the other. There are many people who have been there to support me through the past several months and I'm truly grateful. But, I wouldn't have made it this far without my husband. He's the rock I can depend on when I'm down and ready to call it quits. He wants to see me happy again and I believe he is willing to do what it takes to make it happen. Everything to do with Clara, he's been supportive. He lets me talk about her as much as I want and he continues the nightly "Clara ritual" with me. I love that we are able to incorporate her in our daily lives.

He grieves a lot differently than I have so far but it's nice to know that he thinks about her a lot too. At first, I wasn't able to grasp that in order to get through the first few months after our loss, he had to keep his mind busy. I now understand and have given myself permission to do the same. Grieving as much as I did previously is draining, unsustainable and really pushed the boundaries of my mental health. At the same time, I needed to do what felt right for me at the time. Little baby steps. Irregardless, I now understand hubby's grieving and that helps me digest his reactions over the months.

My hope is that our luck turns around and that one day that we can make the switch from recovery mode to living our lives again. One day at a time ....

When Will it Get Better?

Life is a series of highs and lows. When you are down in the low, it feels like life can't get better from here. There is only one thing that could make me feel better and that would be my daughter. But Clara isn't here. Why can't my luck turnaround and bring me a little light with a sprinkle of hope. But alas, here I am today down in the dumps with no sign of lifting. How my life would be so different playing with my newborn? I wouldn't ever have to feel this way - I would be the happiest person in this world. I wouldn't be going to a stressful job but I would be up in my elbows with baby throw up and poop.  I wouldn't be getting my 8 hours of sleep nor would I be sitting on my couch crying while writing this post. This has me wondering when will life ever get better? How long can I suffer like this? Will I ever run out of tears - it certainly feels like I should have by now.

We talked about karma a little at work and how people thought it did exist. I added my two cents "if karma existed, I must have done something really awful in my life". What could I have done in my past life to deserve the experiencing the loss of Clara. At the end of the day, no matter what anyone has done, no one deserves the excruciating pain of the loss of a loved one.

I'm really trying to move on with my life, never forgetting her. I function at work and at home but there are days just like today where it feels like nothing will ever work out for me. I've used up all the good luck in live I'm ever going to have. 

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

And being ok can disappear in a flash. The tears were rolling on and off this week starting on Monday. Again, at work everyone huddles to talk about their children. I was able to compose myself and handle it the best that I could until someone mentioned the hellish situation they were in with a toddler. They used the phrase “welcome to my world”. If I were able to be lucky enough to bring home a living child, I vow never ever to complain about my situation no matter how much crying or screaming there was. I know hell is a matter of perspective but to say that around someone who would give their left arm to have their daughter alive and screaming, who's hell is missing their daughter every single day?

Not to mention that that I still have post-partum symptoms. The last several weeks I have been shedding hair like a cat - serious hairballs around my home. I mentioned this to my doc and he went into the medical terminology of why this was happening but my ears shut off when he said the words post partum. I'm post partum without my baby:(