Four Months

Four months seems like an eternity. It feels like it was so long ago and yet some days, I can bring myself close to the pain I felt just a few months ago. It sucks. I miss her. I don't cry everyday any more and I accept when I'm having a good day. On the weekend, I even had a good hard laugh with my husband - I can't even remember the last time I laughed. Laughter seems like such a foreign concept yet it used to come so easily.

Yesterday I went for my first run in almost a year. I stopped running when I was pregnant with Clara. The OB had said I could keep running if I wanted to but I didn't want to chance something happening so I stopped. I remember being envious of runners passing me by on my walks, I missed it and dreamed of the day I could run again. Now I would give it up forever if I could have her back. These past four months since, I have thought of running but never could bring myself up to do it. So, I let go of the guilt and ran. At first, I felt anxious but as I ran, I realized it felt good. Perhaps, one of the hardest part about grieving is allowing yourself to do things that you enjoy and to begin to live again.

Today, I went back to work. It's been a tough day filled with many tears. No one knows what to say or how to act but the look in their eyes says it all. Pity. I thought I was a lot stronger than I was just a few months ago but a little look of pity and small talk about what happened brought me back to sobbing. The ugly can't breath type of sobbing.  I've learned that being your first day back after baby loss doesn't by you a child-free conversation day. I guess why should anyone act differently? Perhaps the hardest part is the people who you were pregnant with are on maternity leave enjoying their newborns while I'm back at work when I should be doing the same.