Lilypie - Memorial

Monday, 24 September 2012

Surviving

Every day feels like a test of my ability to survive. I didn't realize going back to work would be as difficult as it has been and today would make it day 5 of my return. When you work in an environment with parents who have young children, you can't escape it. The photographs, the chatter of their little ones and the happiness. This morning there was talk of little girls birthday parties, baby's first steps and the resemblance of their children. I don't expect people to understand what I'm going through but it's hard. Everyone acts normal as if nothing ever happened to me but something did! I wish they could all just try to put themselves in my situation and show a little more compassion. So yes, I ran to ladies and had a good cry. Why can't one thing in my life be easy. It's like the universe doesn't think I've suffered enough, I have to kicked when I'm already down.

In addition to a rotten day at work, my husband promised me he'd be home on time so we can go visit Clara. I doubled checked with him late afternoon just to be sure. Well, he's late and didn't even bother to call to let me know. I'm content to go on my own, as I've done all summer but he promised. I just needed to be loved and supported today. I feel like I'm in a whirlwind spiral into the bottomless pit. I'm angry and hurt. I feel so alone and so awful. Is this a case of it will get worse before it gets better? I just don't see anything better in the horizon.

It's days like this, I wished I never got out of bed. Each day is a struggle to survive to the next. I don't want to struggle. I don't want it to hurt so bad so often. I don't want to try so hard each day to appear strong. When will I stop trying to survive and actually feel alive again? When will this pain stop feeling like you are dying a slow and painful death? 

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