Wednesday, 12 September 2012

The Next Steps

This next step, I feel is one the biggest. My maternity leave is coming to an end and I'm expected back at work next week. It feels like I have to go back to the way things were before Clara was born but yet so much has changed. Somehow, it feels like the impact of this event should somehow change the pattern of my daily life and yet it doesn't. Everything that has changed is internal - the person who I have become. Although, I think I have come a long way since May, I still feel like something is broken within me. I only push forward because I'm not given any other choice.

Then there is the anxiety of actually going back to work.  The first few day will be the toughest, to see the looks of pity, the uncomfortable conversations about baby loss and some people offering non-meaningful condolences. At the moment with the exception of my husband, I can't talk about Clara with tearing up. So, I expect it to be a bit of tear-fest next week.

In the recent weeks, I have made some big decisions which bring about a great deal of apprehension into my life. Scott has been really supportive and usually comes around to agreeing to my new ideas albeit sometimes it takes some convincing.  Through it all, he somehow remains positive when I tend to gravitate to the worse case scenario. I mean after all that has happened, why wouldn't I? He knows too well how I will react in certain situations and tries to coach me through it. At least I have someone trying to keep me sane through all this madness.

Wow, so far September is shaping up to be a crazy month. 

No comments:

Post a Comment