My Two Girls

I'm pregnant. It's still hard to say those words, somehow it still feels like a dream or an abstract thought despite my budding belly. I mean really budding. I'm 20 weeks and have a little girl on board. I think part of the hesitation to saying those words is because I know all too well that pregnancy doesn't equal a living baby at the end. The other part was that I had a subchorionic hematoma in my system for 13 weeks that caused a lot of spotting and bleeding. At the beginning of my pregnancy, I was given 50/50 odds of miscarrying. And so, the thought of announcing a pregnancy was difficult. I haven't really announced it but if someone asks me, I tell them the truth.

It was hard to grieve while I was so worried about this little one. The hematoma and traces of it were gone by 17 weeks and all the testing has gone well. Despite worrying about a repeat performance of my pregnancy with Clara, the time to reflect and grieve opens up. But now, I think about my two girls and my family. If I allow myself to think about the best possible outcome, one thing remains, Clara will never be here on earth to share it with us. My innocence has been stolen from me and even in the good moments, it's bittersweet because I know something is missing. This little one has helped the healing process but she won't be able to hide the void of missing my other little girl. 

It feels like a constant struggle between what is here right now, what can happen and the past. DH wants me to stay positive and send good vibes to this baby. But there are pockets in time, where the tears still flow. Loving this new baby and missing Clara is what is what I need to fit into my life right now. I just have to adjust.

My Clara Bear

This week, I received a package from Molly Bears - my custom teddy bear weighted to Clara's birth weight. As I held this teddy bear, all the memories of the day I got to spend with my daughter came flooding back. Like how how I held her close to me and how hubby fed me, so I didn't have to let go not even for a minute. No words can express how much this gift means to me. 

There's this one song that I've been hearing over and over again on the radio, Kiss Goodnight. Each time, it brings tears to my eyes and brings me back to May 18th. 

 

Clara's 1st Birthday

Dear Clara,
It's your first birthday and I wish more than anything that you were here with me. One year ago today, it was the best and worse day of my life. I got to meet my beautiful baby girl but in the same day I had to say good-bye. This past week, I was thinking a lot about were we would be if you could stay - our walks together, pushing you on the swing. I wondering what you would like like - if you would resemble your mommy or your daddy. It would have been the perfect life, I couldn't even imagine anything better.

I can still remember the day we got to spend together like it was yesterday. Those special moments we spent together replay over and over in my head. Your daddy and I hold on to them close to our hearts every day. He's sad too that you aren't with us today.

Daddy tells me I need to be strong today and I know I have to try. I just wanted you to know how much I love you and miss you.

Happy Birthday to my sweet little girl.

Mommy

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Lately, I haven't had the need to post here. It has been a place, an outlet for my feelings during especially difficult days, crying through each word that I typed. There were the really bad days, where I couldn't find a reason to get out of bed. Those days are lessening and have turned into days where the tears last a few minutes here and there.

I was reading a post from another BLM where she talked about her suicidal thoughts but in the end all she wanted was the pain to go away. In the early days, there seem to be no relief from the pain. It was a constant sharp pain that was felt acutely with every breath taken - only sleep would bring you temporary relief. Even then, according to my husband, I would have nightmares.

Ten months later, I can sit here and say the pain does change. You have to allow yourself to take time out and do the things you once enjoyed, to be distracted by the pain. You have to give yourself permission to find relief and to do so does not mean you loved your little one any less. I still feel pangs of guilt. I was singing to M.adonna's Holiday and when we got to the part "take sometime to celebrate" - I felt a pang of guilt even saying the word celebrate. How could I ever feel celebratory again let alone say the words in a silly song? I don't think anyone truly recovers from being a BLM, you simply survive it - somehow. Getting back to the pain, it does change over time. For me, it has become more dull and most times, bearable. I think it will always be there. My life will never be ok without Clara but all I can I do is push forward as best I can.

Stagnant

One of the hardest parts of a baby loss mama's journey is that there is no recipe book to recovery, it's a journey that is specific to the individual. Often times, I feel alone in my mourning even more so now that months have past and the brief memories are fading with my family and friends. I miss my little girl more with each day and these feelings are mine alone to endure. It's even more difficult, that my life is going back to the way it was before she was conceived - it just doesn't feel right.

I'm forced to be this 'stronger' person to push forward - to live each day as it comes.  There's the good days and the bad days. But every day I live with a gaping hole in my fragile heart and can never be filled. It's this fragile heart that I try protect very carefully from the outside world threatening to shatter it. I think I reached stagnation in my journey and I don't know if I can get any better then this and yet I know I have yet still a long road ahead of me. I don't know if I will ever be able to let my guard down and expose myself to the world of families with babes. I can't bare to see it and being constantly reminded of everything I have lossed. I don't know if I can let people in without expecting them to dissaappoint me or hurt me.

All I know is this life has given me more than anyone should have to bear and yet so many women are left enduring this tragic loss. It's shaken my being to the core and I am changed forever.

The Year of Firsts and 9 Months

This is a long weekend in Canada in recognition of Family Day. This time last year is when we we felt comfortable enough to share with the entire world our happy news - we were expecting a baby! I felt compelled to tell our news in a unique way and what better way was there then the fortune cookie.

There was so much hope and excitement for the future. Perhaps, it's better that we don't have crystal balls and I was able to relish every second that I was pregnant. All the love, excitement and care I was able to share with my daughter and my husband - my family.

The year of firsts. The first Halloween, Christmas, New Year, Chinese New Year, Valentines Day, Family Day, the endless list of firsts I won't have Clara here to celebrate with. Then there are the landmarks in time that pass, the moment we told our families, our first ultrasound, our anatomy scan and the soon to be anniversary/birthday. This past couple of weeks, some of the occasions where spaced to close together for me to digest easily.

All these emotions that have been hitting me had me feeling a little down. I'm starting to feel stronger but there are moments, hours or even entire days that catch me off guard. There was a day in particular where I felt so alone and I could grab the pain I felt during the early days. Then the phone rings. A friend who stepped up and has supported me through my entire loss. Her and her husband have been amazing and I am so grateful to have them in my life. And for the first time, I didn't feel like I was being punished by the universe. I still think the universe has a habit of throwing  at me, pregnant women, babies that would have been Clara's age and most recently a mother of 9.

So as hard as the year of firsts is and the 9 month mark is, I'm so grateful the loving and caring people in my life. I couldn't have made it this far without them.

Goodbye Year of the Dragon

Clara was born in the year of the dragon, the year according to the Chinese calendar is associated with good fortune. A year that ended yesterday. I hate the end of things - always. This past year, I've also added the dreaded feelings towards holidays and special occasions. They all have been markers of my firsts of many occasions without my daughter. So, even Chinese New Year is a challenge without her. As everyone prepares their red pocket money - I know Clara isn't apart of their preparation. As each of these events go, the most important person to me goes unrecognized. It's the pain in my heart that reminds me she was here and she is most certainly loved and missed.

So ends the year of the dragon. Hopefully, the year of the snake brings me the happiness I know I deserve.