Clara's Little Sister

Clara's little sister Mikayla graced us with her presence 3 weeks early on December 8, 2013. I am so relieved that she is here safe and sound. Every night before bed, I tell her that mama loves her, dada loves her and her big sister loves her.

M has brought so much joy back into my life and I am grateful. At times, I do find it difficult as I should have had all the same experiences that I'm having with M with Clara. I used to sing hush little baby to Clara often. When I started to sing this lullaby to M, tears flowed steadily from my eyes. I also wonder what her personality would be like. M is taking extra long to get a hang of breastfeeding and I wonder how Clara would have done. Even now, amidst the business of having a new baby, she is on my mind often. I miss her everyday. 

Anxiety

Unfortunately that is how I would describe my life right now. Clara's little sister has made it to 28 weeks, surpassing the size of her big sister. Living through the last few weeks, feels like I'm reliving over and over again the experience of losing her. I know this is a different pregnancy and a different baby but I can't shake the feeling that the two will end with the same fate. I can't imagine that at the end of this, I get to bring home a baby.

So I relive those tragic days, up to the delivery of my precious first born with the expectation that something bad is going to happen to this little one. The past few weeks have been filled with anxiety attacks and quick runs to the L&D. My last trip was by far the worse, the nurse couldn't find the the heartbeat. So, she called a second nurse to help her. All we heard was my heartbeat thumping. Then in less than a minute, I was surrounded by the OB team and I was spiraling out of control and I could keep saying "this can't be happening again". Thankfully, the ultrasound showed baby's little fluttering heart and all is progressing well.

Clara's little sister is already over 700 g heavier than she was at birth. I don't know why I even try to compare. But at the end of it, I think it's so unfair that Clara's not here with me and her sister. I should have both my girls.

I knew a subsequent pregnancy wouldn't be easy but I had no idea it was going to be this hard. This grief is forever intertwined and deeply rooted within me. I'm thankful for everyday that I have with this little one, I just wish it could be easier. I wish I could be blissfully ignorant that bad things do happen but alas, I know they do. 

My Two Girls

I'm pregnant. It's still hard to say those words, somehow it still feels like a dream or an abstract thought despite my budding belly. I mean really budding. I'm 20 weeks and have a little girl on board. I think part of the hesitation to saying those words is because I know all too well that pregnancy doesn't equal a living baby at the end. The other part was that I had a subchorionic hematoma in my system for 13 weeks that caused a lot of spotting and bleeding. At the beginning of my pregnancy, I was given 50/50 odds of miscarrying. And so, the thought of announcing a pregnancy was difficult. I haven't really announced it but if someone asks me, I tell them the truth.

It was hard to grieve while I was so worried about this little one. The hematoma and traces of it were gone by 17 weeks and all the testing has gone well. Despite worrying about a repeat performance of my pregnancy with Clara, the time to reflect and grieve opens up. But now, I think about my two girls and my family. If I allow myself to think about the best possible outcome, one thing remains, Clara will never be here on earth to share it with us. My innocence has been stolen from me and even in the good moments, it's bittersweet because I know something is missing. This little one has helped the healing process but she won't be able to hide the void of missing my other little girl. 

It feels like a constant struggle between what is here right now, what can happen and the past. DH wants me to stay positive and send good vibes to this baby. But there are pockets in time, where the tears still flow. Loving this new baby and missing Clara is what is what I need to fit into my life right now. I just have to adjust.

My Clara Bear

This week, I received a package from Molly Bears - my custom teddy bear weighted to Clara's birth weight. As I held this teddy bear, all the memories of the day I got to spend with my daughter came flooding back. Like how how I held her close to me and how hubby fed me, so I didn't have to let go not even for a minute. No words can express how much this gift means to me. 

There's this one song that I've been hearing over and over again on the radio, Kiss Goodnight. Each time, it brings tears to my eyes and brings me back to May 18th. 

 

Clara's 1st Birthday

Dear Clara,
It's your first birthday and I wish more than anything that you were here with me. One year ago today, it was the best and worse day of my life. I got to meet my beautiful baby girl but in the same day I had to say good-bye. This past week, I was thinking a lot about were we would be if you could stay - our walks together, pushing you on the swing. I wondering what you would like like - if you would resemble your mommy or your daddy. It would have been the perfect life, I couldn't even imagine anything better.

I can still remember the day we got to spend together like it was yesterday. Those special moments we spent together replay over and over in my head. Your daddy and I hold on to them close to our hearts every day. He's sad too that you aren't with us today.

Daddy tells me I need to be strong today and I know I have to try. I just wanted you to know how much I love you and miss you.

Happy Birthday to my sweet little girl.

Mommy

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Lately, I haven't had the need to post here. It has been a place, an outlet for my feelings during especially difficult days, crying through each word that I typed. There were the really bad days, where I couldn't find a reason to get out of bed. Those days are lessening and have turned into days where the tears last a few minutes here and there.

I was reading a post from another BLM where she talked about her suicidal thoughts but in the end all she wanted was the pain to go away. In the early days, there seem to be no relief from the pain. It was a constant sharp pain that was felt acutely with every breath taken - only sleep would bring you temporary relief. Even then, according to my husband, I would have nightmares.

Ten months later, I can sit here and say the pain does change. You have to allow yourself to take time out and do the things you once enjoyed, to be distracted by the pain. You have to give yourself permission to find relief and to do so does not mean you loved your little one any less. I still feel pangs of guilt. I was singing to M.adonna's Holiday and when we got to the part "take sometime to celebrate" - I felt a pang of guilt even saying the word celebrate. How could I ever feel celebratory again let alone say the words in a silly song? I don't think anyone truly recovers from being a BLM, you simply survive it - somehow. Getting back to the pain, it does change over time. For me, it has become more dull and most times, bearable. I think it will always be there. My life will never be ok without Clara but all I can I do is push forward as best I can.

Stagnant

One of the hardest parts of a baby loss mama's journey is that there is no recipe book to recovery, it's a journey that is specific to the individual. Often times, I feel alone in my mourning even more so now that months have past and the brief memories are fading with my family and friends. I miss my little girl more with each day and these feelings are mine alone to endure. It's even more difficult, that my life is going back to the way it was before she was conceived - it just doesn't feel right.

I'm forced to be this 'stronger' person to push forward - to live each day as it comes.  There's the good days and the bad days. But every day I live with a gaping hole in my fragile heart and can never be filled. It's this fragile heart that I try protect very carefully from the outside world threatening to shatter it. I think I reached stagnation in my journey and I don't know if I can get any better then this and yet I know I have yet still a long road ahead of me. I don't know if I will ever be able to let my guard down and expose myself to the world of families with babes. I can't bare to see it and being constantly reminded of everything I have lossed. I don't know if I can let people in without expecting them to dissaappoint me or hurt me.

All I know is this life has given me more than anyone should have to bear and yet so many women are left enduring this tragic loss. It's shaken my being to the core and I am changed forever.