3 Years

Today marks 3 years since Clara was born. What would life be like with a 3 year old? I always wonder what she would have been like, who she took after, who she would resemble. This year has been different then the rest. This year, I have a busy toddler on my hands who is so fasinated by the world and has learned so much, developed so much. At times, these milestones and some of the moments I share with little M, make me reflect on the things that I'm missing out on with Clara. She will never be able to hug or kiss me or I will never get to see her get excited over the little things, like seeing a dog. I just miss her especially today.


 

In Memory of Clara

M is growing and developing so quickly. It's so amazing to see her transition to this happy, energetic and curious toddler. My whole life is devoted to raising this wonderful little girl. At times of reflection, sometimes I envision what life would be like with Clara and M. Other times, I feel so robbed of the same experiences with M that I should of had with Clara. There's also feelings of guilt, that I could do more for her whether it's visiting her at the garden more often or putting more effort on decorating her space.

My thoughts now are shifted on how to honour her memory. To use some of that effort that should of been expended on raising her towards something positive. I've recently signed up to volunteer at an organization that helps moms who are suffering from pregnancy or infant loss. I know it could be emotionally exhausting endevour but I feel good about using this as a vehicle to honour my daughter. I know in my own personal journey, it was immensely helpful just to know that I wasn't suffering alone in my grief, that someone understood exactly how it felt. I will find other ways to honour Clara but I thought this was a great place to start.

After Shocks

This post wast written months ago and I intended to finish it but never got around to it. I thought I would post it because the after shocks are still there.

If I had to use an analogy, Clara's death was a earthquake. It shook me to my core and has damaged parts of me that can never be repaired to its original state. Everything that happens afterwards, the after shocks, is a reminder of that big event. Or is it that event that influences how you feel in different situations in the future. M is coming through a nursing strike. In the very midst of it, I feared that something bad was going to happen, that she wanted to starve. That she was going to leave me too.

2 years

Tomorrow marks the 2 year mark since Clara left us. I've been dreading this day for the past month, everyday knowing that her birthday was inching closer. Each day wondering what it would be like to have a 2 year old Clara with her little sister. Knowing having her here with me, I would feel like I had it all. Living each day, knowing something just isn't quite right. Especially on a day that celebrates mothers. It felt strange this year to enter this day with M, so grateful for her but unable to fully enjoy it without Clara.

2 years. It seems so long ago yet not that far away. I can still picture clear as day, the face of my nurse as the OB was performing the ultrasound. The face that told me that my daughter had died before the words were spoken. The feeling that if I protested enough, somehow it could bring her back.  I try my best not to go back to this moment in time that scratch away at the scabs that have grown over my heart, threatening to expose the deepest flesh of my pain.

2 years is hard. Life has moved on. I have healed significantly. I have M to care for. M has brought happiness back to my life. It feels strange and I can't pinpoint why I feel this way. Perhaps a bit of guilt, feeling like I've left her behind.

I love and miss Clara dearly.

I had a new necklace made, each stone commemorates each of my daughters birth month. I will never forget the joy and love Clara brought into my life,

Clara's Little Sister

Clara's little sister Mikayla graced us with her presence 3 weeks early on December 8, 2013. I am so relieved that she is here safe and sound. Every night before bed, I tell her that mama loves her, dada loves her and her big sister loves her.

M has brought so much joy back into my life and I am grateful. At times, I do find it difficult as I should have had all the same experiences that I'm having with M with Clara. I used to sing hush little baby to Clara often. When I started to sing this lullaby to M, tears flowed steadily from my eyes. I also wonder what her personality would be like. M is taking extra long to get a hang of breastfeeding and I wonder how Clara would have done. Even now, amidst the business of having a new baby, she is on my mind often. I miss her everyday. 

Anxiety

Unfortunately that is how I would describe my life right now. Clara's little sister has made it to 28 weeks, surpassing the size of her big sister. Living through the last few weeks, feels like I'm reliving over and over again the experience of losing her. I know this is a different pregnancy and a different baby but I can't shake the feeling that the two will end with the same fate. I can't imagine that at the end of this, I get to bring home a baby.

So I relive those tragic days, up to the delivery of my precious first born with the expectation that something bad is going to happen to this little one. The past few weeks have been filled with anxiety attacks and quick runs to the L&D. My last trip was by far the worse, the nurse couldn't find the the heartbeat. So, she called a second nurse to help her. All we heard was my heartbeat thumping. Then in less than a minute, I was surrounded by the OB team and I was spiraling out of control and I could keep saying "this can't be happening again". Thankfully, the ultrasound showed baby's little fluttering heart and all is progressing well.

Clara's little sister is already over 700 g heavier than she was at birth. I don't know why I even try to compare. But at the end of it, I think it's so unfair that Clara's not here with me and her sister. I should have both my girls.

I knew a subsequent pregnancy wouldn't be easy but I had no idea it was going to be this hard. This grief is forever intertwined and deeply rooted within me. I'm thankful for everyday that I have with this little one, I just wish it could be easier. I wish I could be blissfully ignorant that bad things do happen but alas, I know they do. 

My Two Girls

I'm pregnant. It's still hard to say those words, somehow it still feels like a dream or an abstract thought despite my budding belly. I mean really budding. I'm 20 weeks and have a little girl on board. I think part of the hesitation to saying those words is because I know all too well that pregnancy doesn't equal a living baby at the end. The other part was that I had a subchorionic hematoma in my system for 13 weeks that caused a lot of spotting and bleeding. At the beginning of my pregnancy, I was given 50/50 odds of miscarrying. And so, the thought of announcing a pregnancy was difficult. I haven't really announced it but if someone asks me, I tell them the truth.

It was hard to grieve while I was so worried about this little one. The hematoma and traces of it were gone by 17 weeks and all the testing has gone well. Despite worrying about a repeat performance of my pregnancy with Clara, the time to reflect and grieve opens up. But now, I think about my two girls and my family. If I allow myself to think about the best possible outcome, one thing remains, Clara will never be here on earth to share it with us. My innocence has been stolen from me and even in the good moments, it's bittersweet because I know something is missing. This little one has helped the healing process but she won't be able to hide the void of missing my other little girl. 

It feels like a constant struggle between what is here right now, what can happen and the past. DH wants me to stay positive and send good vibes to this baby. But there are pockets in time, where the tears still flow. Loving this new baby and missing Clara is what is what I need to fit into my life right now. I just have to adjust.