Surviving

Every day feels like a test of my ability to survive. I didn't realize going back to work would be as difficult as it has been and today would make it day 5 of my return. When you work in an environment with parents who have young children, you can't escape it. The photographs, the chatter of their little ones and the happiness. This morning there was talk of little girls birthday parties, baby's first steps and the resemblance of their children. I don't expect people to understand what I'm going through but it's hard. Everyone acts normal as if nothing ever happened to me but something did! I wish they could all just try to put themselves in my situation and show a little more compassion. So yes, I ran to ladies and had a good cry. Why can't one thing in my life be easy. It's like the universe doesn't think I've suffered enough, I have to kicked when I'm already down.

In addition to a rotten day at work, my husband promised me he'd be home on time so we can go visit Clara. I doubled checked with him late afternoon just to be sure. Well, he's late and didn't even bother to call to let me know. I'm content to go on my own, as I've done all summer but he promised. I just needed to be loved and supported today. I feel like I'm in a whirlwind spiral into the bottomless pit. I'm angry and hurt. I feel so alone and so awful. Is this a case of it will get worse before it gets better? I just don't see anything better in the horizon.

It's days like this, I wished I never got out of bed. Each day is a struggle to survive to the next. I don't want to struggle. I don't want it to hurt so bad so often. I don't want to try so hard each day to appear strong. When will I stop trying to survive and actually feel alive again? When will this pain stop feeling like you are dying a slow and painful death? 

Four Months

Four months seems like an eternity. It feels like it was so long ago and yet some days, I can bring myself close to the pain I felt just a few months ago. It sucks. I miss her. I don't cry everyday any more and I accept when I'm having a good day. On the weekend, I even had a good hard laugh with my husband - I can't even remember the last time I laughed. Laughter seems like such a foreign concept yet it used to come so easily.

Yesterday I went for my first run in almost a year. I stopped running when I was pregnant with Clara. The OB had said I could keep running if I wanted to but I didn't want to chance something happening so I stopped. I remember being envious of runners passing me by on my walks, I missed it and dreamed of the day I could run again. Now I would give it up forever if I could have her back. These past four months since, I have thought of running but never could bring myself up to do it. So, I let go of the guilt and ran. At first, I felt anxious but as I ran, I realized it felt good. Perhaps, one of the hardest part about grieving is allowing yourself to do things that you enjoy and to begin to live again.

Today, I went back to work. It's been a tough day filled with many tears. No one knows what to say or how to act but the look in their eyes says it all. Pity. I thought I was a lot stronger than I was just a few months ago but a little look of pity and small talk about what happened brought me back to sobbing. The ugly can't breath type of sobbing.  I've learned that being your first day back after baby loss doesn't by you a child-free conversation day. I guess why should anyone act differently? Perhaps the hardest part is the people who you were pregnant with are on maternity leave enjoying their newborns while I'm back at work when I should be doing the same.

The Next Steps

This next step, I feel is one the biggest. My maternity leave is coming to an end and I'm expected back at work next week. It feels like I have to go back to the way things were before Clara was born but yet so much has changed. Somehow, it feels like the impact of this event should somehow change the pattern of my daily life and yet it doesn't. Everything that has changed is internal - the person who I have become. Although, I think I have come a long way since May, I still feel like something is broken within me. I only push forward because I'm not given any other choice.

Then there is the anxiety of actually going back to work.  The first few day will be the toughest, to see the looks of pity, the uncomfortable conversations about baby loss and some people offering non-meaningful condolences. At the moment with the exception of my husband, I can't talk about Clara with tearing up. So, I expect it to be a bit of tear-fest next week.

In the recent weeks, I have made some big decisions which bring about a great deal of apprehension into my life. Scott has been really supportive and usually comes around to agreeing to my new ideas albeit sometimes it takes some convincing.  Through it all, he somehow remains positive when I tend to gravitate to the worse case scenario. I mean after all that has happened, why wouldn't I? He knows too well how I will react in certain situations and tries to coach me through it. At least I have someone trying to keep me sane through all this madness.

Wow, so far September is shaping up to be a crazy month. 

Clara's Rock

  

Emma is a fellow baby loss mama whom I connected with through Glow in the Woods (an invaluable resource). She recently celebrated her son's first birthday and as a monument she wanted to paint rocks for other baby loss mama's. So I requested a rock for Clara. The outcome was beautiful and I feel comforted that my baby's rock is along side the other rocks that Emma painted, a place where our babies will be remembered. Thank you so much Emma! Through some of my dark days, it's amazing to find some light in the BLM community. 

Day of Healing

Clara's due date came and went. We started off the day by visiting the cemetery. We bought a new windmill to sit along side the flowers that were already there. We sat at her grave site, remembering our precious little girl. 

After lunch, we took a drive up to the Forks of the Credit and took a small hike on the Bruce Trail. I think Clara would have liked it. The last time I went hiking on the Bruce Trail was when I was about 23 weeks pregnant so it seemed like the natural thing to do. Hiking in the wilderness always provided me with a sense of calm. Perhaps, nature has elements of healing. I'm starting to regain my love for the outdoors and finding beauty within this world.

We ended off the evening with a home cooked meal with just the two of us. Just us, the people that loved Clara the most, remembering the life that could have been.

The Eve Before the EDD

August 30th - Clara's EDD. It's tomorrow. The past few months, I've been looking at this date with much anxiety and fear. How will I feel? How will I cope? I must admit the days leading up to the EDD have been difficult, the tears are coming much more easily this week than the week prior. For now, I'm feeling a sense of calm. Perhaps fear of the day is worse than the day itself. I hope so.

Scott has taken the day off work, I'm not sure why I asked him to but it just felt like what I needed at the time. I haven't decided what we are going to do but perhaps I'll just see where the day takes us. Whatever comes our way, it will be a way to remember our little girl.

The last few weeks, I have been looking for different ways to connect with Clara to replace some of the good ol' crying spells. I have the small rituals at the cemetery and I have discovered the world of BLM blogging. Lately, I've been going for long walks with my new Clara playlist that I've compiled. I've found a good mix of songs that remind me of her or expresses my feelings for her. I suppose it's the best version of Mommy/Daughter time I'm going to get. Below is a YouTube link to one of my favourites, Gone Too Soon by Daughtry. Clara, not a day goes by that I don't think of you. 

One of Those Days

Dear Clara,

It's been one of those days for Mommy, where I just want to be alone and think about how much I miss you. Sometimes living life without you is too overwhelming. When you were here with me, I just wanted everything to be perfect for you. I had designed the perfect room. It would have been a yellow room with huge zoo animal decals. I wanted a room that oozed happiness. I picked out a nice rocker for us too when you needed to be comforted. When I came home from the hospital without you, I couldn't bear to let go of some of your stuff like the ducky outfit you were supposed to come home in. I saved some of your other things in hopes that it will some day be a part of your little brother or sister's life. I will always try to find ways to incorporate you into our family's life. Forgetting you would be like forgetting how to breath, it's just not possible.

Clara, part of my funk today is that I feel such immense guilt for starting to move forward with my life without you. Somehow it feels like I'm leaving you behind and I would never ever want to do that. I know you would want Mommy to keep living and to be happy. It's just so hard when they only thing I want is you. It's the very thing that I can't have, not in the way I want. So baby girl, if Mommy appears to be doing better or looking forward it doesn't mean I love you any less or that I'm not missing you like crazy. Nothing will ever diminish what you mean to me or change the way I feel about you. I guess that's what I wanted you to know.

Good night sweet girl.

Love,
Mommy