Forever

"The only thing that lives forever is love" 
- Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

It's been a rough few days. This cycle last year was the one where I would become pregnant with Clara. She's always on my mind but more so as I past each milestone. If things would have worked out, I would have a 3 month infant in my arms. I would be in a very different place.

Lately, I'm allowing myself to open up at work and and being able to tell more people about my loss. One of those people got me a gift, a book geared towards loss. It was so nice to have someone acknowledge my daughter and recognize my sadness - in means so much when everyone else stays silent. It really saddens me when everyone else has swept my loss under the proverbial rug but the suffering doesn't end.

In the book was the above quote about love being forever. It had me thinking that in a way Clara is alive in my heart, in the love I have for her. It sounds silly but I do feel like in some way she is with me. We are bonded together forever by love. She came and went from this world to quickly but the love still remains - for that I'm grateful.

6 months

Today marks Clara's 6 month birthday. 6 months since I held her in my arms. 6 months since she's been gone. 6 months was the amount of time I was lucky enough to have her in my life.

Mommy loves you baby girl!

The Post About Hubby

Everyone knows that there is no such thing as the absolute perfect marriage. Each individual has his or her own quirks that drives the other crazy. At the end of the day, what makes a marriage tick is the support you can provide the other. There are many people who have been there to support me through the past several months and I'm truly grateful. But, I wouldn't have made it this far without my husband. He's the rock I can depend on when I'm down and ready to call it quits. He wants to see me happy again and I believe he is willing to do what it takes to make it happen. Everything to do with Clara, he's been supportive. He lets me talk about her as much as I want and he continues the nightly "Clara ritual" with me. I love that we are able to incorporate her in our daily lives.

He grieves a lot differently than I have so far but it's nice to know that he thinks about her a lot too. At first, I wasn't able to grasp that in order to get through the first few months after our loss, he had to keep his mind busy. I now understand and have given myself permission to do the same. Grieving as much as I did previously is draining, unsustainable and really pushed the boundaries of my mental health. At the same time, I needed to do what felt right for me at the time. Little baby steps. Irregardless, I now understand hubby's grieving and that helps me digest his reactions over the months.

My hope is that our luck turns around and that one day that we can make the switch from recovery mode to living our lives again. One day at a time ....

When Will it Get Better?

Life is a series of highs and lows. When you are down in the low, it feels like life can't get better from here. There is only one thing that could make me feel better and that would be my daughter. But Clara isn't here. Why can't my luck turnaround and bring me a little light with a sprinkle of hope. But alas, here I am today down in the dumps with no sign of lifting. How my life would be so different playing with my newborn? I wouldn't ever have to feel this way - I would be the happiest person in this world. I wouldn't be going to a stressful job but I would be up in my elbows with baby throw up and poop.  I wouldn't be getting my 8 hours of sleep nor would I be sitting on my couch crying while writing this post. This has me wondering when will life ever get better? How long can I suffer like this? Will I ever run out of tears - it certainly feels like I should have by now.

We talked about karma a little at work and how people thought it did exist. I added my two cents "if karma existed, I must have done something really awful in my life". What could I have done in my past life to deserve the experiencing the loss of Clara. At the end of the day, no matter what anyone has done, no one deserves the excruciating pain of the loss of a loved one.

I'm really trying to move on with my life, never forgetting her. I function at work and at home but there are days just like today where it feels like nothing will ever work out for me. I've used up all the good luck in live I'm ever going to have. 

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

And being ok can disappear in a flash. The tears were rolling on and off this week starting on Monday. Again, at work everyone huddles to talk about their children. I was able to compose myself and handle it the best that I could until someone mentioned the hellish situation they were in with a toddler. They used the phrase “welcome to my world”. If I were able to be lucky enough to bring home a living child, I vow never ever to complain about my situation no matter how much crying or screaming there was. I know hell is a matter of perspective but to say that around someone who would give their left arm to have their daughter alive and screaming, who's hell is missing their daughter every single day?

Not to mention that that I still have post-partum symptoms. The last several weeks I have been shedding hair like a cat - serious hairballs around my home. I mentioned this to my doc and he went into the medical terminology of why this was happening but my ears shut off when he said the words post partum. I'm post partum without my baby:(

Not Alone

The past few days have been ok. I have to learn to accept these days without guilt. Part of this ok feeling is the new people that are becoming apart of my life. Yesterday, I met two baby loss moms IRL - each of us found one another through an on-line forum. I think the most important thing about surviving this tragedy in your life is knowing that you are not alone and there are people out there who get it. Each of our stories were  different but in the end we all lived through the same hell of saying goodbye to our little ones. It was a nice change to talk to people who understand and you don't feel compelled to make someone understand what it was like. It's also nice to know you are normal. For example, the whole work situation and ALL the continuous kid/baby talk - at times, I thought I was overreacting or overly sensitive. My therapist said that I would have to adjust and that I can't control these situations. But these gals see it from my perspective, as insensitive. Wow,  I never thought I could say that out loud but gosh darnit it's mean. Is it appropriate to talk about your baby learning how to walk around someone who has just lost their baby girl - when I say it that way, yes it's insensitive.

In terms of being apart of a community, I've tried the support groups but they just didn't really help me. They were prescribed to talk about baby loss  within a certain time window and it always felt the same. It was always the 5-7 women crying around a tissue box in a stuffy room. I couldn't take it anymore. But with these two amazing women, it felt more natural. So, for now I'm feeling ok.

5 months

It's been 5 months since we said hello and goodbye to Clara. It feels surreal that 5 months has come so quickly, its almost unbelievable. I knew it was today but I put it aside in my mind, I was distracted. We had a review appointment with my doctor today to review the karyotype and RPL screen results. There's nothing they could find in our chromosomes that would indicate the reason for our loss nor could they find anything in my blood work. It gives me some relief that there is nothing inherently wrong with me and that it wasn't my body that caused the clot in Clara's umbilical cord. Although Scott predicted this outcome, I just needed to know for my own piece of mind. I was so nervous this morning as Dr. D was reviewing our results, Scott said it looked like I was going to cry. I guess I couldn't have handled myself if we got bad news.

It wasn't until the afternoon when things started to go south. I've been pretty good about not crying at work lately - I think I'm getting used to the children banter which goes on quite a bit at my office. The other day, I even survived finding out someone's 13 month daughter has the same birthday as Clara's due date (isn't the universe funny?). But today, it felt like the child banter wouldn't stop and I broke down - the 5 month milestone of mourning sets in. I had to leave the room to cry uncontrollably and then I took a stroll to clear my head. I ran into my boss and continued crying - I think she only catches me at my worst moments.

I really don't blame anyone who can trigger me into the painful place - they don't know any better. They don't know that I birthed Clara, held her and had to bury her. They don't know that while they go home and tuck their children in, I'm at the cemetery visiting my child. How could they possibly know the heartache of being separated from their child every single day and wishing things could be different?

5 months and I miss and think of her every single day.