Thursday, 18 October 2012

5 months

It's been 5 months since we said hello and goodbye to Clara. It feels surreal that 5 months has come so quickly, its almost unbelievable. I knew it was today but I put it aside in my mind, I was distracted. We had a review appointment with my doctor today to review the karyotype and RPL screen results. There's nothing they could find in our chromosomes that would indicate the reason for our loss nor could they find anything in my blood work. It gives me some relief that there is nothing inherently wrong with me and that it wasn't my body that caused the clot in Clara's umbilical cord. Although Scott predicted this outcome, I just needed to know for my own piece of mind. I was so nervous this morning as Dr. D was reviewing our results, Scott said it looked like I was going to cry. I guess I couldn't have handled myself if we got bad news.

It wasn't until the afternoon when things started to go south. I've been pretty good about not crying at work lately - I think I'm getting used to the children banter which goes on quite a bit at my office. The other day, I even survived finding out someone's 13 month daughter has the same birthday as Clara's due date (isn't the universe funny?). But today, it felt like the child banter wouldn't stop and I broke down - the 5 month milestone of mourning sets in. I had to leave the room to cry uncontrollably and then I took a stroll to clear my head. I ran into my boss and continued crying - I think she only catches me at my worst moments.

I really don't blame anyone who can trigger me into the painful place - they don't know any better. They don't know that I birthed Clara, held her and had to bury her. They don't know that while they go home and tuck their children in, I'm at the cemetery visiting my child. How could they possibly know the heartache of being separated from their child every single day and wishing things could be different?

5 months and I miss and think of her every single day.

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