It is Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada, my first official holiday without Clara. A holiday where you are suppose to reflect in thanks for all the wonderful things that we have in our lives. I am trying my best to be thankful that I was able to have Clara in my life, even for a short while. She taught me so much about what it means to love unconditionally - I could not imagine a life that did not include her in it. I'm happy that I have someone so special that fills my heart.
At the same time, it has been tough trying to grateful when she isn't here with me at this very moment. This morning Scott asked me to listen to how quiet it was, not even a car rolling by on the streets. As with most of my thoughts, leading back to our daughter - I thought how sad that our home was without the cries of our little one. I don't dwell on our loss as much as I use to but that succinct feeling that she is missing is always constant.
I still cry almost everyday but I'm just starting to learn and live the words "be kind to yourself". At the beginning of all of this, I thought "what a cliché thing to say". Now, I know it means that you should not feel guilty in allowing yourself relief from the sadness - it's ok to distract yourself with movies, work, working out and normal activities of daily living. Grieving is tough and can become overwhelming. It's just took me awhile to understand that relief would never diminish what Clara meant to me - she's my entire world and always will be.
At the same time, it has been tough trying to grateful when she isn't here with me at this very moment. This morning Scott asked me to listen to how quiet it was, not even a car rolling by on the streets. As with most of my thoughts, leading back to our daughter - I thought how sad that our home was without the cries of our little one. I don't dwell on our loss as much as I use to but that succinct feeling that she is missing is always constant.
I still cry almost everyday but I'm just starting to learn and live the words "be kind to yourself". At the beginning of all of this, I thought "what a cliché thing to say". Now, I know it means that you should not feel guilty in allowing yourself relief from the sadness - it's ok to distract yourself with movies, work, working out and normal activities of daily living. Grieving is tough and can become overwhelming. It's just took me awhile to understand that relief would never diminish what Clara meant to me - she's my entire world and always will be.
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