Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, my first. Before loss, I never knew this day existed and this year I've become apart of this group of BLM. A group that has no choice but to be strong but nonetheless inspirational. Hopefully, next year I can be in a stronger position and give back to this community that is helping me through it all.
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Foggy. That's how I would describe my life these days. I live in a haze. I'm afraid to look forward because it is unknown. It’s hard to imagine a future that could be filled with happiness without Clara in it. After all I have endured, I can’t picture that life will give free pass from any future tragedies. I think that every BLM deserves a free pass but yet it doesn’t matter what I think. I never knew such deep pain existed. I remember when my grandmother died, I cried myself to sleep for a few weeks but with time it did get better. With Clara, it’s been almost been 5 months post-loss and some days I feel I’m still in the thick of it. I mean, I have moments when I allow myself relief from the grief and even smile or joke. But in a snap of a finger, I could drift back to my sadness.
Day to day living is hazy. I get up, go to work, make supper and I may get to the gym. There used to be purpose to these activities and now I feel I’m just going through the motions. I guess it keeps me busy so I don’t have so much time to dwell. It’s all distractions from the pain. The only purpose is when I go to visit Clara and bring her flowers/decorations for her grave.
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