Be Careful What You Ask For

Last time I posted I was in really rough shape, thank you for the messages of concern - I know I will be fine. It's just gets really hard sometimes as you can understand.

So I asked for a glimmer or a speckle of hope and did I get it. It looks like I'm experiencing a chemical pregnancy - meaning my little bean is trying to implant but did quite make it. I'm taking it hard. Not to belittle anyone who is experencing the same thing because it is the loss of hope for a great future - but it's easier than when Clara died. At the end of all of this, I could sum it up that little bean was probably chromosomally abnormal. With Clara, she was perfectly healthy - I was able to see her, feel her and watch my belly grow. It's just when I'm upset - it all gets piled on top of the existing grief. There's no situation in my life where being upset that doesn't get piled on top of my grief.

My next wish is to hold my living breathing, healthy and happy baby in my arms and to be able to watch him/her grow until my time is up. I don't think the universe can misconstrue that request. 

8 months

I'm still waiting for the part where people tell me it gets easier. I'm not going to lie, 8 months and its still hard as hell. I still miss her more than I ever could have imagined.

Before loss, I never understood why people committed suicide - I was naive and I thought you could just deal with what ever life threw your way. Don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal. But I can now understand how so much pain could really push you over the edge. It may seem like the only way out - the only source of relief. How no matter how hard you try, lady luck just doesn't look your way. Life just sucks for some people and I just have to accept that I'm apart of that group with sucky lives. I just wish I could see some light - just an ounce, a glimmer.

Relief and Thoughts

It's still hard and I don't think it will ever be easy - but thank goodness December is gone! I look back at the past month and the tears were flowing easily and frequently. In the thick of it, I thought that is what my life would be like on a daily basis. Now that the month has past, I am finding relief. The load on my heart has lifted a little and I can function again. I feel almost human.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the people who have disappointed me through this journey. The people that I've supported through their own time of personal strife, the people who I thought loved me or the people who should have loved Clara the most. These people should have been there for me or at the time, for Clara but weren't. It just plain hurts and that's compiled on top of the pain of losing my daughter. There's no apologies, no communication, no love. At this point, I still don't know how to let go of the anger and the disappointment. I know I should for my own personal well being.

In the past, when I've had relationships that weren't working or healthy - I would let these people go and sever all ties with them. It took me many years to realize that was what was best for me and I don't have any regret in doing so - the only regret I have is enduring those relationships as long as I did. This time it's not so easy when these people are embedded in your life in a way you cannot sever completely. How do I move forward? I don't have all the answers but I accept that I don't have to figure it our right now. 

This song is very touching - from the viewpoint of a daughter. Although, I won't see Clara grow up, the feelings resonate with me and reminds me I am a mom.

Mamma, I'll beI'll be your beacon through the darkest nightsI'll be the wings that guide your broken flightI'll be your shelter through the raging stormAnd I will love you 'till forever comes

Made it Through

I knew that it was coming. I knew it would be one of the toughest days of my life. My first Christmas without Clara. I had to fight through all the difficult moments throughout the month but I made it through. I can't say I'm a stronger person because of it but I survived and I'm still standing. And boy am I glad its over.

It might have been a bit cowardly but I avoided the majority Christmas parties I was invited to except 3. The first one was for my project team - they work so hard despite the project being a huge resistance type project. They deserved every opportunity to be appreciated and so I sucked it up, organized a team celebration and attended it. It was a great success except for what I had to endure. Someone talking about their daughter's pregnancy and how their son-in-law could now feel the kicks. I tried to hold back the tears but I couldn't - I remembered that time in my own pregnancy and the tears started rolling. The second party was for my husband's work - luckily I survived that one and without tears.

The last party was my family get together on Christmas Day. It started off being a difficult day - I've been thinking a lot about what it would be like right now if Clara had lived and how everything isn't what it should be. We went to the cemetery to wish Clara a Merry Christmas and headed over to my Mom's. No one acknowledged my daughter, it was tough - but who wants to be sad on Christmas day?  What a roller coaster of emotions.

I think there should be a mandatory book for people who know a baby loss mom. The insensitivity I've faced the past several months have been horrible - each episode impacting me for hours afterwards. People need to understand our pain and acknowledge our babies exist. In this past month, only 2 people outside the BML club acknowledged my pain during this month. Again there are tears but I am so grateful that they did -  it really does help.

7 months

The months are starting to roll by so quickly and I start to wonder where they have gone. It's been seven months now and I feel like I've just scratched the surface of mourning. The past couple of months, I've thrown myself into my work and have worked harder than I've ever worked in my life. A minimum of 10 hour days with a side of working at home on the weekends. Granted I've been given a lot more work than I can chew but in a way it keeps me from reflecting. The reflection piece is hard. I reflect a lot in the car, driving to and from work. I reflect while I'm walking at work to meetings. I reflect in moments when I'm alone without prefilled time with exercise, tv or cooking. My mind always goes back to Clara - what I've lost and all that I'm missing. It just plain hurts.

You can't go any where without seeing a baby or being reminded of all things baby. Like today, in the pool was a mom and tots class - that should have been me. It's still a wave of ups and downs - my latest down is the news. A pang of jealously hits me with all the pregnancy news. Then there are the stories of loss and it pains me to know that there are parents experiencing the excruciating pain of their child's death.

It's been 7 months and I still miss her like crazy every day - the pain is still there but over time in morphs in different shapes and forms. 

The December Blahs

The holiday season used to mean so much to me - a time to celebrate with family and friends following the same old traditions. As soon as I owned my own house, it would mean the start of my yearly runs to the nursery to buy my fresh tree - I even wanted to have the smell of Christmas. This is a completely different year. I remember I was shopping for baby items several months ago and on the sale rack was a christmas bib with "my first christmas on it". I remember reflecting forward to Christmas and how great it was going to be to celebrate it with Clara. I even imagined her in her cute little dress. Little did I know, I would be sitting here without her and very much not into the holiday season.

There's no Christmas tree, no decorations, no holiday parties, no hint of Chrismas in the air at my house this year. I don't want to acknowledge the plain fact that I have to live through my first holiday season without my daughter. Just the thought of the day scares me.

I used to love gifts, the anticipation of the surpise that was under the wrapping. Today, I only want one thing that I can't have.

Being a baby loss mom changes you more than any one can understand.