Saturday, 14 July 2012

Living in Two Worlds

Losing your child feels like you are living in two separate worlds.

There is the world with the reality that Clara is gone. The one that causes the massive sobbing cries that brings me to my knees with the fact I'm going to miss a lifetime of raising her. The debilitating feeling of how I'm ever going to get through the intensity of the pain. The pain is so deep, I find myself googling "how to survive life without baby", "help me survive stillbirth" or "when does the pain go away". I know I'm not going to find the answers I need from google but how else do I get through the dark moments. After 8 weeks, I sound like a broken record "I want her back", "I miss her" and the infamous "why?". I don't even remember what life was before she was conceived. I just need my baby girl.

Then, there is my alternate world, the one if she had survived. She would have still be growing inside me. I would have finished her nursery. I would be happy. Then I fast forward in time, imagining her in her car seat amoung many things. In my alternate world, we're a happy family. Even when I go back to the past, I think of how I imagined myself carrying her in the sling that bought for myself or Scott carrying her in the baby carrier I bought for him. I actually had Scott assemble the carrier and pretend he was carrying Clara in it. It feels stupid now that I thought the there would be a happy ending to my story. In my alternate world I will always think about what Clara would have been doing if she was with us. It's strange that I will now and forever live in two worlds.

1 comment:

  1. I am so very sorry about Clara. No words can express how much I wish things were different for you. My Gabriel died about a month ago. I have a lot of the same feelings you have written about. Thank you for sharing. Love and Hugs!