Sunday, 22 July 2012

What I Want, I Can't Have

Before I was pregnant with Clara, people including my husband were at a loss as what to get me for Christmas and Birthdays. The truth is I'm not a person that wanted for too much. I like doing things, swimming, running, cycling, hiking and travelling. I'm not a fashionista and according to my family I'm more of a tomboy. My husband and I wanted to enjoy our lives before starting our family in addition to establishing our careers (in restropect it seems trivial now that really all that I want is a family more than any of those things). We were active, participating in triathlons, camping and lots of hiking. We travelled to far off places like Peru, Malaysia, Thailand, Syria, Jordan, Panama. We felt happy and accomplished.

The next thing we wanted to do was to start a family. It seems so easy for so many people, right? I mean I come from a family with seven girls. I was naive. My innocence has been taken away in so many facets that I've never dreamed possible. I mean I was so great at planning every aspect of my life, why would family planning be any different. It was a struggle to get pregnant mixed in with many tears cycle after cycle. Then, a miracle. My precious daughter. All my dreams were coming true. Then, it got taken away just like that by what everyone is calling a fluke accident. I have spent so many hours contemplating what combination of events would cause my daughter to be so active. One theory is that the "accident" is caused by fetal hyperactivity. As much research I do, I'll never have the answers I need. It sucks and even if it was detected, there's no medical intervention that could have untwisted her umbilical cord.

Now there is only thing I want in this world that I can't have. I want more than anything to have my daughter back and to be able to snuggle her. I want to mother her as a living baby. But above all, I wanted her to experience all the great things this world has to offer, what Scott and I could offer her. She deserved everything and got nothing. She was innocent in all of this. I would sacrifice anything to have her back but that's not how it works. My therapist is starting to get tough by reiterating that fact she's not coming back. Of course, I cry but I know she wants to move me towards acceptance. Everything about baby loss sucks.

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