Waiting

It feels like I'm waiting for her to come home, walk through that door. She's some where out there. Yet, rationally I know she's not coming home. The idea of living a life without my precious daughter is something that I cannot wrap my head around and if I think about it long enough it becomes this overwhelming and I feel as though I'm suffocating. I think of how life should be different, how I still should be pregnant and finishing up her nursery. I think of how I should be preparing for my 1 year mat leave so I can raise this precious child. I think about all the things that I will now miss that she's gone - swimming lessons, the camping trips, the travelling, the bike riding, her first day of school, going to her graduation, her wedding. So the idea of waiting for her becomes soothing. It's the only way I feel like I can get through my day without being tormented by her death at every waking moment.

I've been spending weeks now looking at blogs of other mother's who have lost their babies. It's amazing how every post resembles the feeling I have day to day. One mother wrote about how mourning is the only way left she knows how to love her child. I feel that this grief is the only way to show Clara how much I wanted her, how much I love her and how much I miss her. I keep making goals in my head to resume my daily activities but I keeping pushing the deadlines further away. Grief is a tough job.