Friday, 22 June 2012

5 weeks

It's been 5 weeks since I delivered Clara. I feel numb and lost. I'm scared because the memory of my daughter is fading further and further into the past. Why does life have to move on, I certainly don't want it to. I want to feel the raw emotions that I felt in the first few weeks - the deep mourning that connects me with all the love I have for her. The reality of waking up every morning without her is still excruciating.

It's time to tell her story, so my memory doesn't elude me as time marches forward.

On Tuesday May 15, at my regular OB appointment - all things went well. I heard the baby's heartbeat, he measured my fundal height and Clara was just stirring before the appointment. Wednesday at around 2 pm, I felt one kick during a meeting. I went for a swim and hadn't noticed her moving in the evening. Next morning nothing, drank apple juice and thought I felt some gurgles. So, Scott and I were attending our third prenatal class. In speaking with the instructor, I was concerned with the decrease in fetal movement. She saw the concern in my eye and instructed me to leave the class and go to the hospital.

At the hospital, the nurse couldn't find her heartbeat. So I was concerned but google helped calm some of those fears. When the OB did the sonogram, I could tell my the nurses eyes that she was gone. All I kept thinking was there was no possible way. We were 25 weeks, past all the danger zones of the first trimester, late term miscarriage. We had a 99% chance of bringing home our little girl. I screamed but I don't think reality quite sank in yet. What did I do to cause my little girl to die? We had the choice of inducing right away or going home and coming back the next day. I choose the prior.

I was induced at 1 am on May 18. Scott went home to grab some supplies and came back shortly. Scott tried to sleep that night in our room but I stayed up all night. Shock, that I would have to deliver my baby and she wasn't alive. At around 8 am, my sisters Sara, Jessica and Rebecca came to see me. The doctor on duty just kept on giving more misoprostal without even checking in on me. I decided on an epidural for pain management. Clara was born into this world at 10:34 am. We were introduced to my daughter at 11:30 when the OB finally worked his way to see what had caused her demise. It was something to do with a clot in her umblical cord. Later we found out it was from excessive twists in her umbilical cord ... the lifeline to my baby. A perfect little girl gone from this world, due to an "accident" - and will anger me for the rest of my life.

I held Clara with as much joy as I could muster - a product of Scott and I. We explored our baby girl, a round face, a nose that was a cross between Scott and I. She had a mole above her right breast. Long legs, long arms, long fingers and toes. Her thumb was an exact replica of Scott's. She was absolutely perfect.

My mom, dad and Emily came to the hospital too. We all held my baby girl. Julie and Tim skyped in too to meet my precious little girl. I held my girl for as long as I could - Scott tried to feed me lunch as I didn't have to let her go. We called for the clergy to baptise Clara and we did so around 3 pm.

My sister Lisa arrived from London, On around 5:30 pm and also got to meet Clara, help make the foot moulds and help me dress her.

We took pictures of Clara.

At 6 pm, my family said goodbye to Clara and Scott and I stayed behind to create memories of our family of 3. We lied in the hospital bed with Clara between us. I on the left and Scott and the right. We told her stories about our vacations, how we met, when we got married. Scott taught her 75 digits of pi - that's what he wanted her to learn one day. At around 9:30 we decided it was time to say goodbye. I kissed my little girl and sang her "hush little baby".

Scott and I left the hospital without our little Clara. The most unreal feeling of leaving your baby behind when all you wanted was to start a new life with that little one. All we have left of our girl was a memory box.

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