Sunday, 17 June 2012

One Month

Today marks the one month point in which they could not find my daughter's heartbeat. Tomorrow, will be the one month mark since I gave birth do my baby girl, Clara. Happy One Month sweet pea, mommy loves you more than you'll ever know.

I'm afraid that each day that passes, my freshest memories of her gets further and further away from me and that frightens me to no end. I want to relish in the fresh memories of my short but very sweet time with her. They say grief isn't a linear process and I'm learning the hard way that this is true. I wish it were linear, that I had a road map that told me what to do, work the steps. I've been reading many many baby loss blogs, searching for answers and I've come up empty handed. It seems everyone deals with their grief in a different manner and bounces around the different stages of grief. The only commonality is that it takes a lot of time and even still the loss is still profound many years later. I've spoken to a woman who lost her son 22 years ago and I still see the sadness in her eyes wondering what career he might have chosen. A life time of memories lost and we are left wondering what might have been. Even now, I wonder what you would have looked like all grown up. At the rare moment, I'm out of the house I stare in envy of mothers and daughters - I wish a million times over that I could have had that with Clara. They are truly blessed.

Perhaps, I'm searching for hope. Hope that life can get better, that my life with Clara was "as good as it gets". I will always miss my daughter but I just can't imagine living my life with all this love to give and no one to give it too. I want to know if there is light at the end of this tunnel but alas, no one can predict what the future holds.

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