Friday, 8 June 2012

The Happiest Days of My Life

That's what my daughter Clara gave to me in her short life, the happiest days of my life. I think back on the experience of being pregnant with her and those have been the best memories that I've ever had. Watching my belly grow and knowing that she was growing too. I think feeling her move and knowing she was full of life is the most fulfilling feeling one can have. I started feeling her move quite early, 16 weeks. But even before that she was active on all our ultrasounds. She was restless and stubborn just like her daddy. Each ultrasound took a long time because she just couldn't stay still! It has me wondering what traits did she get fom me? Either way this precious life was made from the best parts of her mommy and daddy. She was something really special.

I remember Clara and I preparing for her Auntie Julie's weddings shower, we made quite a bit of food for it. We worked really hard to prepare. I look back on photos of the event and I can see that I was glowing and that I was full of life, hope and happiness. Every activity we did together felt amazing and was full of excitment, knowing we would be living in the outside world together soon. Now, i feel those feelings I had will be lost forever. I mourn for the life we could have had. The vacation to Yellowstone that I wanted to take her on or encouraging her to sign up for the kids of steel.

 I went to my first perinatal loss support group meeting yesterday. I talked to Clara in the car as I had done when I was pregnant. It felt nice, I felt connected. I know she is giving me the courage to go and get help and that I need and to to think about the positive things she brought into my life. It's going to be a long and difficult journey through my grief. I just hope she continues to provide me the courage to keep moving forward.

 Clara: there's not a moment in my life where I don't miss you. You will always be alive in my heart!

1 comment:

  1. Every one of your posts is touching. I love this blog you've started. It is a great reflection of our hopes and dreams for Clara. Nice writing sweety, keep it up.