Thursday, 28 June 2012

Moving On Doesn't Mean Forgetting

"Moving on doesn't mean forgetting". This is the most common phrase that has been said to me over the last few weeks. It's almost been 6 weeks since we've lost Clara and I still mostly live within the confines of my home and my mom's home with sporadic visits for counselling and doctor's appointments. Somehow taking myself out of the living world makes me feel better. I see myself doing things that I once enjoyed before being pregnant but it's the guilt of moving forward that prevents me from execution. Guilt of enjoying something outside of the joy that she brought into my life. Guilt that if she did mean the whole world to me, how would  there life outside of my grief for her. I don't think I'll ever truly "move on" and there won't be a day that goes by that I don't "forget her". How could one ever forget their child, I would assume that would be nearly impossible. As the other mother's with baby losses say the best one can do is to move forward.

I give myself pep talks. "Clara wouldn't want to see you suffering like this". "I have to live my life for her now". But the problem is that she isn't here. I know at some point I have to make a reappearance in the real world but for now I need to grieve in my own way. It's such a lonely process even with my love ones surrounding me. I'm not the mess that I was the initial few weeks since she died but talking about her does bring on the flood of tears. I miss my daughter.

This week I feel numb - sometimes it feels like it never happened and Clara will be with me soon. Sometimes I wonder if the pregnancy was a dream and that scares me. I want every part of the pregnancy to feel real and I want Clara to feel real. I hate that time is playing with my mind. I hate grief. I hate that I can't sleep. I hate that Clara isn't here with me. I could write a laundry list of things I hate but I'll stop at that.

Clara: Today is Daddy's Birthday. I wanted to wish him a "Happy" Birthday today but I can't even imagine saying the word "happy" without you. I wish you were here so we could celebrate. I'll just have to try harder tonight. I know he misses you too and we'll be thinking of you when we eat his birthday pie. That's right, your daddy likes birthday pies - not a big fan of cake.

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