When Will it Get Better?

Life is a series of highs and lows. When you are down in the low, it feels like life can't get better from here. There is only one thing that could make me feel better and that would be my daughter. But Clara isn't here. Why can't my luck turnaround and bring me a little light with a sprinkle of hope. But alas, here I am today down in the dumps with no sign of lifting. How my life would be so different playing with my newborn? I wouldn't ever have to feel this way - I would be the happiest person in this world. I wouldn't be going to a stressful job but I would be up in my elbows with baby throw up and poop.  I wouldn't be getting my 8 hours of sleep nor would I be sitting on my couch crying while writing this post. This has me wondering when will life ever get better? How long can I suffer like this? Will I ever run out of tears - it certainly feels like I should have by now.

We talked about karma a little at work and how people thought it did exist. I added my two cents "if karma existed, I must have done something really awful in my life". What could I have done in my past life to deserve the experiencing the loss of Clara. At the end of the day, no matter what anyone has done, no one deserves the excruciating pain of the loss of a loved one.

I'm really trying to move on with my life, never forgetting her. I function at work and at home but there are days just like today where it feels like nothing will ever work out for me. I've used up all the good luck in live I'm ever going to have. 

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

And being ok can disappear in a flash. The tears were rolling on and off this week starting on Monday. Again, at work everyone huddles to talk about their children. I was able to compose myself and handle it the best that I could until someone mentioned the hellish situation they were in with a toddler. They used the phrase “welcome to my world”. If I were able to be lucky enough to bring home a living child, I vow never ever to complain about my situation no matter how much crying or screaming there was. I know hell is a matter of perspective but to say that around someone who would give their left arm to have their daughter alive and screaming, who's hell is missing their daughter every single day?

Not to mention that that I still have post-partum symptoms. The last several weeks I have been shedding hair like a cat - serious hairballs around my home. I mentioned this to my doc and he went into the medical terminology of why this was happening but my ears shut off when he said the words post partum. I'm post partum without my baby:(

Not Alone

The past few days have been ok. I have to learn to accept these days without guilt. Part of this ok feeling is the new people that are becoming apart of my life. Yesterday, I met two baby loss moms IRL - each of us found one another through an on-line forum. I think the most important thing about surviving this tragedy in your life is knowing that you are not alone and there are people out there who get it. Each of our stories were  different but in the end we all lived through the same hell of saying goodbye to our little ones. It was a nice change to talk to people who understand and you don't feel compelled to make someone understand what it was like. It's also nice to know you are normal. For example, the whole work situation and ALL the continuous kid/baby talk - at times, I thought I was overreacting or overly sensitive. My therapist said that I would have to adjust and that I can't control these situations. But these gals see it from my perspective, as insensitive. Wow,  I never thought I could say that out loud but gosh darnit it's mean. Is it appropriate to talk about your baby learning how to walk around someone who has just lost their baby girl - when I say it that way, yes it's insensitive.

In terms of being apart of a community, I've tried the support groups but they just didn't really help me. They were prescribed to talk about baby loss  within a certain time window and it always felt the same. It was always the 5-7 women crying around a tissue box in a stuffy room. I couldn't take it anymore. But with these two amazing women, it felt more natural. So, for now I'm feeling ok.

5 months

It's been 5 months since we said hello and goodbye to Clara. It feels surreal that 5 months has come so quickly, its almost unbelievable. I knew it was today but I put it aside in my mind, I was distracted. We had a review appointment with my doctor today to review the karyotype and RPL screen results. There's nothing they could find in our chromosomes that would indicate the reason for our loss nor could they find anything in my blood work. It gives me some relief that there is nothing inherently wrong with me and that it wasn't my body that caused the clot in Clara's umbilical cord. Although Scott predicted this outcome, I just needed to know for my own piece of mind. I was so nervous this morning as Dr. D was reviewing our results, Scott said it looked like I was going to cry. I guess I couldn't have handled myself if we got bad news.

It wasn't until the afternoon when things started to go south. I've been pretty good about not crying at work lately - I think I'm getting used to the children banter which goes on quite a bit at my office. The other day, I even survived finding out someone's 13 month daughter has the same birthday as Clara's due date (isn't the universe funny?). But today, it felt like the child banter wouldn't stop and I broke down - the 5 month milestone of mourning sets in. I had to leave the room to cry uncontrollably and then I took a stroll to clear my head. I ran into my boss and continued crying - I think she only catches me at my worst moments.

I really don't blame anyone who can trigger me into the painful place - they don't know any better. They don't know that I birthed Clara, held her and had to bury her. They don't know that while they go home and tuck their children in, I'm at the cemetery visiting my child. How could they possibly know the heartache of being separated from their child every single day and wishing things could be different?

5 months and I miss and think of her every single day.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, my first. Before loss, I never knew this day existed and this year I've become apart of this group of BLM. A group that has no choice but to be strong but nonetheless inspirational. Hopefully, next year I can be in a stronger position and give back to this community  that is helping me through it all.

***

Foggy. That's how I would describe my life these days. I live in a haze. I'm afraid to look forward because it is unknown. It’s hard to imagine a future that could be filled with happiness without Clara in it. After all I have endured, I can’t picture that life will give free pass from any future tragedies.  I think that every BLM deserves a free pass but yet it doesn’t matter what I think. I never knew such deep pain existed. I remember when my grandmother died, I cried myself to sleep for a few weeks but with time it did get better. With Clara, it’s been almost been 5 months post-loss and some days I feel I’m still in the thick of it. I mean, I have moments when I allow myself relief from the grief and even smile or joke. But in a snap of a finger, I could drift back to my sadness.

Day to day living is hazy. I get up, go to work, make supper and I may get to the gym. There used to be purpose to these activities and now I feel I’m just going through the motions. I guess it keeps me busy so I don’t have so much time to dwell. It’s all distractions from the pain. The only purpose is when I go to visit Clara and bring her flowers/decorations for her grave.

Thanksgiving

It is Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada, my first official holiday without Clara. A holiday where you are suppose to reflect in thanks for all the wonderful things that we have in our lives. I am trying my best to be thankful that I was able to have Clara in my life, even for a short while. She taught me so much about what it means to love unconditionally - I could not imagine a life that did not include her in it. I'm happy that I have someone so special that fills my heart.

At the same time, it has been tough trying to grateful when she isn't here with me at this very moment. This morning Scott asked me to listen to how quiet it was, not even a car rolling by on the streets. As with most of my thoughts, leading back to our daughter - I thought how sad that our home was without the cries of our little one. I don't dwell on our loss as much as I use to but that succinct feeling that she is missing is always constant.

I still cry almost everyday but I'm just starting to learn and live the words "be kind to yourself". At the beginning of all of this, I thought "what a cliché thing to say". Now, I know it means that you should not feel guilty in allowing yourself relief from the sadness - it's ok to distract yourself with movies, work, working out and normal activities of daily living. Grieving is tough and can become overwhelming. It's just took me awhile to understand that relief would never diminish what Clara meant to me - she's my entire world and always will be.

Still Here

This is my third week back at work and it amazes me how raw my pain really is. The very thought of Clara at work can bring on a flood of instantaneous tears. It’s this way at work because I have no control over the situations that I’m placed in. I can’t hide from the world of kids and babies. The coping strategies that I had when I was at home, no longer apply in the broader world. Some days it feels like I’ve taken 10 steps back in my grieving.  I’m just left with tears and the fact that I have to grow some pretty thick skin.

The other thing that is pressed on me is the idea of creating goals/objectives and how I want to grow professionally. This is a tough one – at the moment, I really don’t have any. I can’t see my future through the thick clouds. It’s not such a great question for a person that is trying to take each day as it comes, accepting the good days and struggling through the bad. It’s tough for me to even contemplate the future, it’s even harder to fathom that I could ever find happiness again. So for now, I leave the future out of my thoughts.