Could Have, Should Have, Would Have

Could have, should have, would have. So much of grief is concentrated in the contemplation of those words. The dreams of what could have been, where we should be today and everything we would have to celebrate. Spending time contemplating these thoughts bury me deeper into my sadness for Clara. These days, my coping strategy is not allowing myself to go to these thoughts. Its a way to control how much time I spend grieving or it becomes all consuming and frankly unbearable.

It the early days, these same thoughts were what could I have done to prevent this tragedy. If I had known, I would have done anything to have prevent it but at the time you don't have a crystal ball. You just believe you are doing everything you should be doing based on the knowledge at hand. I'm starting to let go of the guilt. I could continue allowing myself to feel guilty but it's not going to bring her back. Even still, I'm going to have to relive my hospital documents with my doctor on tomorrow and once again have someone reassure me that its not my fault. The truth is I know I'll never have the answers I need so I just need to learn to let it go.

Perhaps to move forward I need to focus on what I did do right during my time with Clara:

• I let her know how much I loved her all the time
• I ate well and never skipped a meal or a multivitamin
• I incorporated gentle exercise into the pregnancy even when I didn't feel well
• I talked to her often and sang to her
• I rubbed my belly with such maternal pride
• I was so proud of how she was growing
• We created wonderful memories that I will always treasure

I will always miss her but I need a balance of grief and remembrance.