Sunday, 5 August 2012

Little Gifts

Integration, the first step. I need to believe Clara is with me in every step through this journey. That every good moment, that she somehow is responsible for these small gifts. Her love is somehow transformed into the love of family and friends. This weekend, we went to the cottage with friends. I know I'm not the festive and bubbly person I once was . They are understanding and patient. They are a distraction from the constant pain. Clara cannot love me here on earth but I choose to believe she can love me through other means. I just need to open my eyes to these connections. That I will always feel my daughter's love and feel connected to her. She has shown me the strength and intensity of a mother's love - That in itself is a gift.


As much as I try to stay positive, something always has to hit me smack across the face. Triggers - I didn't think I had them. I mean I see children and I'm able to manage - I don't want other people's children, I want Clara. So, my mom took us out for lunch and I thought I knew who was going to be there so I can prepare myself if necessary. Well, the "pregnant" relative shows up unexpectedly. I've never felt betrayed. So, I raced to the washroom within 5 minutes of her arrival to cry my eyes out.  I felt so low and ashamed. I felt so unloved and so hopeless. So, the lesson is I can't handle pregnant women. They are so full of hope. It reminds me of how I felt when I was pregnant and how it was all taken away to replaced by grief. It reminds me how much I wanted Clara in my life and how much I miss her.

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