Wednesday, 22 August 2012


This would have been my last few days at work if Clara hadn't died. I would be looking towards a year off with my little girl. In my mind, I had already planned our first camping trip for the following summer. I would be 39 weeks pregnant tomorrow and the original EDD approaches more quickly than ever. August 30th - how many times have I repeated that date in the past 9 months? I know the odds are that she would not have been born on that date but when you are pregnant, you look towards the EDD with such hope and expectation. Now, I'm not sure how to feel about it. Now I think of it as a milestone in my grief - the past 3 months I have been using it as such. "If only I could get past the EDD", maybe that it will be a turning point. I have asked Scott to take the day off but I'm not sure what we will be doing - I'll have to think about that a little more. But I want it to be special - a day for remembering her and celebrating the joy she brought into our lives.

I think what upsets me most is the fresh flowers I left for Clara last Wednesday (the ones pictured on Wednesday's post) suddenly disappeared on Saturday. I looked around and all the other items at the different sites were left untouched. Who would remove flowers from my little girls site? Is there no respect for my little angel? Haven't I already lost enough, without her flowers going missing. Does the person who moved/damaged them even know the impact they are having on that little girls mama? Do they even care? I replaced them yesterday but it's just one of those little things that doesn't help with the pain.


  1. I am so sorry that Clara's flowers disappeared from her grave. As far as the EDD looming... I remember that feeling and it sucks. Both DH and I worked that day April 13th. I thought about taking it off, but I decided that it was not her day, her day was Feb 12th the day she was born. Actually once the 13th passed there was a touch more peace for us. Oh honey this baby lost world is one messed up confusing place, but it does get better. Thinking of you and Clara (that name always reminds me of the Nutcracker Ballet, is that what she is named for?).

    1. Thanks Grace's Mom. I know it's not her day but it's hard not to think of what might have been. I'm glad you found a bit of piece as it passed, that's what I'm hoping for too. Clara is named after a Canadian Olympic athlete in speed skating/cycling and a humanitarian. Thinking of you and Grace.