Saturday, 18 August 2012

Three Months

Today marks three months.Three months since I held my sweet baby in my arms. Three months of missing Clara. Three months of crying. The hysterical cries have vanished and are replaced by more quiet rolling tears. I find myself having a few good moments every now and again. At times I allow these moments to come and go and at other times, guilt flows through me. Guilty for moving forward and re-starting my life without her as the focal point. Even still, I don't have a choice but to keep going. I have to for her.

I have stopped counting the weeks since she's been gone, it's just to painful to remind myself of the growing gap of time. I have started walking again - I think of running and cycling but something is preventing me from doing so. Now that I'm contemplating this, I'm not ready to do things that make me feel "great" but opting for things that make me feel "ok" or even "good". Perhaps the last truly great feeling I had was when she was alive and I don't want to lose that just yet. I want to hold on to it and not let anyone or anything come between or after it.

I wrote the following a few days after I got home from the hospital. I didn't want to forget any of the details of my most cherished moments of my life.

My favourite thing I did for my daughter
I got to dress her. My sister Lisa brought a bereavement kit from the hospital that she worked in with many beautiful clothes. Scott, Lisa, Jessica,  Rebecca, Sara and I went through all the different options that would be what Clara will wear forever. Our first option was a stylish white hat with a white sweater but we were concerned it wouldn't fit - this option still sits in my memory box. In the end we picked a white dress, with a pink hat, pink booties. Lisa helped me put on the pink hat. The dress was a little big for Clara but we made it work. It was long white dress with sleeves that had lace on the ends. The top 2 inches were elastic with baby pink stitching with ties on the back to close the dress. The final thing, Mommy got do for Clara was put on her booties. I started with the left foot, I turned the bootie inside out to start because I didn't want to hurt her. Then I tied the little laces. Lisa held up the right foot so I could follow the same process. The last item was her receiving blanket, a baby pink blanket with white polka dots. Lisa with all her experience wrapped her up in a sweet little bundle.

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