Tuesday, 7 August 2012

Small Steps

My husband is back at work after having the week off. My sister and her husband were also here the past week but have returned home. I think having Scott and more family around helps with the healing process. In their activity planning for the week, it gave me a reason to get out bed in the morning. I was able to look at scenery and appreciate its beauty. I think this is a huge step since the weekend we went camping and I quarantined myself to the tent. Another huge step is a went for a walk, the same route I used to walk with Clara - although it took all my strength not to turn around and jump back into the safe haven of my bed. I'm starting to feel her strength bringing me back, making me stronger slowly. I feel the depth of her love when I'm afraid. She's alive in my heart.

In my grief, I'm now in the world of progressing and regressing. I'm making some positive steps but at times I find myself drawn towards habits I had during the initial weeks of my loss. Sleep is either a hit or miss these days. Last night was a miss and I cried out for her. Perhaps it was the anxiety of my husband going back to work? It's a concious struggle now not to let myself slip into the dark thoughts that lead to more dark thoughts that leaves me in the pit of despair for hours at a time. It's so easy to find the pit but so hard to keep the dark thoughts at bay. I suppose this is where I heed the advice to be patient with myself and accept each day as it comes.

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