Saturday, 11 August 2012

New Perspective

When you experience such an intense loss, it gives you a different perspective on life. I was just watching the Olympic Mens relay where the Canadian team initially thought they won bronze to later find out they were disqualified.  I understand their disappointment as they poured their hearts and souls into training for these events but yet at the end of the day nobody died. It's the same when I see people squabble over the little things. One instance in my recent memory is watching my sisters fight (in tears no less) about cleaning the sink after they finished up with the dishes. I would normally think this is ridiculous but attached to that I think no one has died. As long as you are still able to hold the people you love, what else matters? This is my new perspective. Sad but true. I think a year the person I was a year ago would have been more empathetic but it's becoming more of a challenge. I suppose this is a part of figuring out who I am post-loss.

It will be interesting to see how I integrate this into my professional and personal life. At work, I was always anxious about meeting my deadlines and worrying about producing stellar results - a bit of a perfectionist. At home, I had my routine - come home, prepare dinner by a certain time and prep for the next day. I like executing things on a certain timeline or on time - I think time limits have always made me anxious even if they were self imposed. I liked control. What I've learned from this whole baby making business is that I have no control.

Personally, I'm not sure how I've changed. Not sure if its the grief talking or the new me. For example, laundry - my DH is ok waiting until he's reached his stash of what he calls the emergency boxers (the ones that should be in the garbage). This use to bug me to no end because it meant that I would have to keep on top of the laundry. I no longer care. I used to like cooking and eating but what's the point when you can whip up a sandwich in less than 5 minutes. Ok - it sounds like the grief talking. But it will be interesting to see how I come out of all of this with my new perspective.

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